Sports personality of the year, with Brian Sewell

ONCE again Britain has huddled around its portable televisions for the sports-based prize giving. I shall attempt to summarise it thusly:

Overseas Personality: Usain Bolt
Jamaica holds such fond memories as it is the birthplace of my enduring passion – reggae. Many is the time when, brow furrowed by the latest atrocity foisted by the Tate Modern, I can be found in my study skanking to Burning Spear and Peter Tosh. Babylon an’ ting, don’t you find?

Lifetime Achievement: ‘Lord’ Coe
Gone are the days when ennobling required a person to discover a new country, browbeat it into submission, and come back to England with enough gemstones to pebbledash Windsor Castle. Mr Coe (his honorific shall go unrecognised by me until her majesty enswords the shoulders of my good friend Bunty for his services to claret) reminds one of a character in a 19th Century novel who, tired of saucing his chambermaid, throws her out into the Christmas Eve snow upon learning she is pregnant. In short, a weasel.

Team Of The Year: Team GB
There was a time when Britain was considered great and one could slap down the old, midnight blue passport onto the bar of any hotel in the world and the question of being able to settle one’s bill was considered answered. Sadly, our stock has fallen so dramatically that discovering one’s Britishhood is more likely to prompt a plate full of fried eggs and a bucket in which to ‘puke’ one’s lager. These days I simply pretend to be Swiss.

Overall Winner : Bradley Wiggins
I once sported (ha!) a pair of lustrous sideburns  (or ‘Love Handles’ as they were known at boarding school) to a fancy dress evening thrown by Francis Bacon in 1957. I remember Lucian Freud demanding I sit for a triptych but we were interrupted by Francis punching me in the stomach for forgetting to bring a bag of ice. Just 35 short years later we lost dear Francis and I cannot help but wonder whether he still brooded on this incident, and whether he ever got the ice he so lusciously craved.


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The Mash Guide to Vintage

Vintage is all the rage – it’s the style trend evoking a bygone era when people were polite, Arthur Askey was considered handsome and Nazi bombs rained from the sky in a hail of fiery death.

But there’s much more to the trend than simply describing any old shit as ‘vintage’ and flogging it to self-consciously twee young professionals.

To help you develop a discerning eye, here’s a short guide to some of the most desirable vintage items.

Vintage 1930s Manhole cover 

Price: £3000

The quality of workmanship on this drain covering indicates that it was made by someone really passionate about manhole covers.

You can imagine how some plucky fellow called Reg would have lifted this manhole cover –  while whistling a patriotic tune – then climbed down into a lake of piss and shit.

Vintage Nazi grenade

Price: £55,555

Grenades like this are very rare because most of them exploded.

Clearly this one has not exploded, but it could do at any moment, which is part of its charm.

Vintage Cold War era mutant

Price: £50000000000000000

This quirky retro mutant is the result of clandestine Russian nuclear tests on a village in the Urals.

He is called Sergei, and loves raw human meat.


Vintage racist views

Price: Free

Nothing says ‘yesteryear’ like animosity towards people with different skin tones.

Vintage cake organiser

Price: Sensible offers in region of 10K

Put your cakes on this. It’s really handy for organising your cakes, when you have loads of cakes all littering up your house.