Spurs seeking players whose names slot into Bob Dylan songs

TOTTENHAM chairman Daniel Levy has launched a worldwide search for any player named Roland Stone, Tom Bourineman or Des O’Lation-Rowe.

Levy said: “There’s been a lot of talk this season about Harry Kane’s incredible skill and superb goal-scoring ability. However, the best thing about him, for me, is the way that his name blends seamlessly into the lyrics of Bob Dylan’s 1976 hit Hurricane.

“The sense of satisfaction that football fans get from a perfect song pastiche is way more important than winning trophies or competing in the Champions League.

“For this reason, I have dispatched scouts to all corners of the globe to track down more world-class players with names that can be slotted effortlessly into Dylan songs.”

Spurs scout Tom Booker said: “I’m currently travelling round South America, attempting to locate any professional footballer with the birth name John Wesley Harding.”

Former Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson had this warning for Levy: “Back in the 90s, when the United fans came up with ‘Giggs, Giggs will tear you apart, again’, I decided I would only sign players whose names could be humorously worked into Joy Division lyrics.

“I ended up spending £12million on a German bloke called Hans Mission who turned out to be utter, utter shite.”

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Souleymane S signs for Chelsea

THE French sales manager racially abused by Chelsea fans has been signed by the club.

Souleymane S was invited to Stamford Bridge so the club could apologise, but was mistaken for a left-sided defender and given a four-year contract on £90,000 a week.

Chelsea chairman Bruce Buck said: “It’s club policy, if we see a Frenchman the wrong side of 30 who we feel we owe something to, to sign him automatically. Just ask Didier Drogba.

“Turns out he’s not played football for a decade, has no work permit and doesn’t want to live in England. It’s ended up looking more like a City signing.

“Though I am already getting angry calls from Arsene Wenger saying he’s been tracking him since the youth team, so that’s an option.”