Super Bowl is incredibly depressing vision of Britain’s future

THE Super Bowl is a terrible vision of what it will be like here in ten years’ time, it has been claimed.

Hundreds of millions around the globe watched the vast and garish clash of lumbering giants with its rampant commercialism, fervent nationalism and soulless musical entertainment.

Futurologist Nikki Hollis said: “It is easy to sneer at the excesses of American culture but they have simply beaten us to the point of believing that Katy Perry prancing with foam rubber shark mutants is a good thing.

“We are working hard to master capitalism, burger eating and slavish devotion to giant evil corporations and I fully expect to see corn dogs as part of the Boots meal deal by 2024.

“By this point we will be even more obsessed with celebrity and in a permanent state of near-frantic positivity.

“American football is, in any case, just rugby with hats.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Self-loathing immigrants urged to vote UKIP

UKIP is courting the vote of immigrants who hate what they see in the mirror, it has confirmed.

The party believes its policies and candidates will appeal to thousands of voters who despise themselves for living and working in the UK.

A party spokesman said: “You came to Britain because you needed money, leaving your country and your family behind for a few warm coins from the most ignorant people in Europe.

“And with every raindrop that falls, with every racist remark you ignore, with every fake smile of servitude you dole out to the ill-mannered customers in your restaurant you disgust yourself a little bit more.

“Don’t bottle up that self-loathing inside. Vote UKIP, because we feel exactly the way you do.

“We’ll send you home.”

When asked if foreigners could really be so sickened by themselves that they would fall for such a ridiculous John Bull caricature, the spokesman pointed out that Nigel Farage’s wife is German.