Tampon adverts promoting unrealistic levels of sporting achievement

A WOMAN has been left disappointed after her sanitary product did not allow her to play football at professional level, it has emerged.

Nikki Hollis, from Luton, began buying a particular brand of tampons after seeing an advert featuring a woman being able to play sport and smile despite having her period.

Hollis said: “It was strongly suggested that there was a direct correlation between using tampons and being able to score a goal with an impressive header to the delight of my female team mates.

“My friends refused to be strong, empowered women by playing football with me so I went to the park by myself and tried to join in a game with some small boys. They let me kick the ball but it veered off over a fence and was flattened by a lorry.

“The boys started crying and called me a bully. It wasn’t the first step on the path to sporting glory as I’d been led to believe.

“I’ve also still found myself unable to use a zip wire, windsurf or roller skate whilst pulled along by a pack of friendly dogs, as other tampon adverts have suggested. Maybe I’m using them wrong?”

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Holiday handover note just thinly veiled list of grievances

AN OFFICE worker’s holiday handover email is just a passive aggressive list of reasons she hates her job, it has been revealed.

Underneath her notes about stock rotation, retail buyer Emma Bradford wrote: “Lucy in the London office dropped these on me last week – so apparently the Manchester team is just here to clear up her mess now??

“That’s fucking typical.”

Carolyn Ryan, who will be taking on Emma’s workload said: “No one injects vitriol into a handover like Emma.

“In one section she’s written, ‘I’ll bring you back a crate of ouzo if you can get Mike G to get off his arse and action a single one of my procurement requests.

“In her ‘Pricing logistics’ section, she’s just written ‘DICKS’ nine times in a row.”

Bradford plans to enjoy two weeks in Corfu before returning to work with a sharing box of baklava and a heavy, bitter heart.