CARLOS Tevez has asked the Premier League to consider overhauling the entire football rulebook as his legs are a bit tired.
The Argentinian Halloween costume has hinted he may quit football as the eight-hour week begins to take its toll. Family and friends have expressed their concern after the striker seemed bored and listless during a recent helicopter shopping expedition.
Tevez said: “Every few days I run, I kick things and I pull a shirt over my massive head. It’s a nightmare.
“I’d rather be stealing discarded fruit rinds from the gutters of Buenos Aires. There was a naturally laid-back pace to grinding poverty that you just don’t get by being a multimillionaire ball-nudger.”
Under new guidelines dictated to Tevez’s manager by the player as he sprawled idly on a reproduction Louis XIV cinema chair while gnawing on a bison, games would be divided into six easily-managed chunks of five minutes, with a long enough break between sections for a quick spa, a massage and some bison.
The pitch would also be shortened to 20 yards to ease the burden on goal celebrations, meaning Tevez would never have more than a brief golf buggy ride to thank fans for paying his Â£12,000 an hour wages.
The move has been backed by Manchester City fans desperate to retain the services of the economy-size hobgoblin, regardless of the terms of his contract.
City supporter Roy Hobbs said: “I first heard the news when I came home from my 12-hour shift at the pie-gristle factory and I could just weep for the poor little fella.
“I’d have signed the petition myself if my exhaustion-induced hallucinations didn’t keep turning the laptop into an enormous cyborg cheeseburger that wants to eat my testicles.”