That Hitler Was German, Say Experts

ADOLF Hitler was one of them Germans, experts claimed last night.

With England set to face Germany in the next round of the shinball World Cup, historians revealed that the Germans were all mass murderers and if they win they will probably come over here and kill everyone.

Julian Cook, professor of 20th Century history at Reading University, said: “Let’s not forget that they tried to kill your gran. And they blew up the old Vera Lynn Cinema when it was full of babies.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the same Germans that beat Ghana. They live for hundreds of years you know. In fact I’m amazed the Germans were even willing to be on the same pitch as Africans given that they’re all such horrible racists.

“And that Hitler was awful wasn’t he? Going around saying all those nasty things and killing everyone.

“But that’s Germans for you. And Austrians. And Spaniards. And Italians. And obviously the French. And let’s not forget gypsies, homosexuals and Jews.”

Martin Bishop, an Audi driver from York, added: “Hitler. Eichmann. Goebbels. All that lot. I can’t wait for Steven Gerrard to punch Hitler in the face.

“I was so worked up last night I almost took a sledgehammer to my A4 estate, but then I decided against it what with it being such outstanding value for money.”

Meanwhile England coach Fabio Capello was vindicated by his decision to switch tactics and focus on getting the players drunk and hoping that the ball would ricochet off Jermain Defoe’s shin at exactly the right angle.

He said: “I am delight. This is players I know from past days before now. I tell them relax, get happy in head, then you will play good shinball.

“And John Terry play very good, though I tell him he can try and stop goal with other parts of body. It shinball not headball.”

Capello said the team was now brimming with confidence, but England’s hopes of making the quarter finals would depend on James Milner managing to hit the ball at Defoe’s magic shin before some Nazi bastard snaps it like a twig.


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’m the only girl in my office and I am starting to feel like the rest of my colleagues are objectifying me and making lewd comments behind my back. The other day, I went to fetch a flip chart for a meeting and discovered a crude drawing of a naked lady being interfered with by several stick men and a cartoon dog. When I confronted my colleagues, they said I had wildly misinterpreted their drawing, which was actually a Venn diagram to show the workflow process in multiple departments for the upcoming financial year. Upon closer inspection, I realised my mistake. Do you think this has something to do with PMT?

Dear Erica,
You think the boys in your office are bad? I have to spend considerable amounts of my time with boys who haven’t even learned to tie their shoelaces yet, let alone work a flip chart. These are individuals who think it’s amusing to put snot in your hair or handfuls of grass down the back of your knickers, and won’t think twice about throwing your swimming kit on top of the bike sheds where you can’t ever reach it ever again. The best strategy for dealing with this behaviour is avoidance. I once made the mistake of sitting next to Andrew Harris on the bus for a school trip and he sicked up chocolate yoghurt all over my beautiful summer dress, just for fun. Because of him I had to spend the entire day walking about Alton Towers in only my vest and pants, covered in brown stains and stinking of puke. This resulted in me being refused entry to the Haunted House AND the log flume, which was almost too much to bear. Thankfully, I got my own back on Andrew Harris at home time when I accidentally told the teacher he was already on the bus, when in actual fact he was still somewhere in the gift shop buying fake dog poo and a Shrek mask. It turns out being stranded at Uttoxeter services for nine hours gave Andrew ample time to reflect on his juvenile behaviour, and consequently he hasn’t dared vomit on me since.
Hope that helps!