There is no ball, table tennis players admit

INTERNATIONAL table tennis players have confessed that there have been no balls involved at the sport’s top level for 30 years. 

With the Olympics continuing in Japan tonight, officials are holding emergency meetings to decide whether table tennis events can be held at future Games now it is essentially fictional.

Team GB table tennis competitor Mary Fisher said: “It was an accident at first.

“The balls move so fast that they’re difficult to see, and when the final at the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics concluded and both players realised the ball had been under the table for the final ten minutes, they were too embarrassed to say.

“After that, we pretty much decided balls were an outmoded part of the sport we needed to leave behind in favour of an intricate choreography of bat-waving.

“Really we’ve got more in common with contemporary dance than sport, but sport gets slightly more funding.”

Fan Norman Steele said: “If anything it actually increases my respect for the players due to their sublime artistry in weaving a decade-spanning web of deception.

“Then I remember it’s ping-pong.”

He actually spoke against Corbyn, says aghast Labour supporter

LABOUR leadership challenger Owen Smith stood on stage and said bad things about Jeremy Corbyn right to Jeremy’s face, shocked supporters have confirmed. 

Hundreds of Labour voters watched open-mouthed at last night’s hustings in Cardiff where Smith criticised Corbyn as if he had every right to do so.

Momentum member Eleanor Shaw said: “Does he not realise who Jeremy Corbyn is?

“This is a man who opposed the Iraq war, who has crusaded for workers rights for four decades, who has never worn a tie, and some jumped-up MP stands there slinging insults as if he was any ordinary politician?

“Poor Jeremy just stood there, bewildered, asking again and again why Smith resigned from the shadow cabinet while harsh words rained down upon him.

“He’s a 67-year-old man, for God’s sake. From now on we need to make sure he’s kept to environments where his ideas aren’t challenged and he can feel comfortable, like Islington.”

Shaw added: “If Smith wants to continue spouting his filth he can do it somewhere nobody decent will hear him. Like the mainstream media.”