There is no ball, table tennis players admit

INTERNATIONAL table tennis players have confessed that there have been no balls involved at the sport’s top level for 30 years. 

With the Olympics beginning in Rio tonight, officials are holding emergency meetings to decide whether table tennis events can continue as planned now it is essentially fictional.

Team GB table tennis competitor Mary Fisher said: “It was an accident at first.

“The balls move so fast that they’re difficult to see, and when the final at the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics concluded and both players realised the ball had been under the table for the final ten minutes, they were too embarrassed to say.

“After that, we pretty much decided balls were an outmoded part of the sport we needed to leave behind in favour of an intricate choreography of bat-waving.

“Really we’ve got more in common with contemporary dance than sport, but sport gets slightly more funding.”

Fan Norman Steele said: “If anything it actually increases my respect for the players due to their sublime artistry in weaving a decade-spanning web of deception.

“Then I remember it’s ping-pong.”