Theresa May calls snap FA Cup Final

THE prime minister has announced that the FA Cup final will be played next weekend in the national interest. 

Theresa May said that continuing uncertainty about whether Chelsea or Arsenal would win the competition was damaging for Britain, so bringing it forward a month was ‘the responsible decision to make’.

The move contravenes Football Association laws and numerous previous statements by May, and is unequivocally opposed by the two clubs involved.

Football writer Joseph Turner said: “It’s a resolute and principled decision made irregardless of what the fans want which will cause huge inconvenience for everyone.

“But it will apparently give British teams a stronger hand in Europe and avoid a hard Champions League exit in 2019.”

Arsene Wenger has confirmed that even if he loses heavily, irreparably damaging his team, he will refuse to resign and blame the media.

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Man’s brain discards final bits of GCSE French to relearn the Macarena

A MAN’S brain has erased all remnants of GCSE French in order to relearn the moves to the Macarena.

Thirty-three year old Tom Logan’s understanding of French was already reduced to ‘J’habite a Stevenage’ and ‘Jai quinze ans’, along with snatches of a catchy song about the months of the year, but these have now been discarded forever.

Now, following a lesson from his cousin at a wedding, Logan has filled that part of his brain with the abilty to execute the entire Macarena, including the hip swivel and jumping in the right direction.

He said: “Whenever I need to communicate abroad, I just point at things and smile like an idiot. It works perfectly well. And women prefer a man who can do the Macarena to a man who speak French.”

Logan’s knowledge of the Macarena will be replaced at the end of this week after he buys a new Samsung 4K television with a complicated wifi set-up.