This will not be a disaster, Moyes keeps telling himself

NEW Manchester United manager David Moyes has spent the last 24 hours reassuring himself that this is not going to be an unmitigated catastrophe.

Following the official announcement of Sir Alex Ferguson’s retirement Moyes told friends that he felt like Roy Scheider in Jaws when the camera zooms in on him in that really weird way.

According to his friends, Moyes spent 14 hours in his toilet yesterday staring at himself in the mirror, practicing how to look as if he knows what he is doing.

One source said: “He keeps telling himself that Manchester United is the world’s biggest club run by clever people who make really important decisions every day.

“Which means they must have a very good reason for choosing someone who has never won anything. And so there’s nothing to worry about.

“And then he goes back into the toilet.”

Another friend said: “He’s had the words ‘it’ll be fine’ tattooed on to his left palm.

“Yesterday I had to tell him to stop staring at it or we were going to crash.”

The friend added: “He’s also written a poem for Robin van Persie. I told him he didn’t have to do that and then he started to cry.”

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What the hell is wrong with everyone?

Dear Holly,

I’m getting fed up of people not listening properly to me. Every year I say ‘get me the finest minds in British Industry’ and every year I am presented with sixteen utter bell-ends. What the hell is wrong with everyone?

King Alan Sugar


Dear Alan,

Blame the media for giving you false expectations. People with fine minds don’t exist so you have to make do with the depressing reality. I used to believe that one day I’d meet a dream boy like Harry Styles with impeccable manners and impossibly tousled hair and a smile to make my heart melt. And yet I look around the playground and all I see for miles around are fat spotty boys who think it’s funny to wipe snot on your back and roll about the floor making pathetic machine gun noises. On telly Justin Bieber might croon you a ballad; in reality he will probably do that thing where he makes his armpit fart the tune to Eastenders.

Hope that helps!