Total lack of belief gives England fans hope for Euro 16

ENGLAND fans are convincing themselves the team has no chance at Euro 2016 and is therefore certain to win.

The process began shortly after the win in Lithuania.

Tom Logan, from Basingstoke, said: “We are so far behind the Germans, the Spanish and the French it is hardly worth going. Though in some ways the lack of expectation takes the pressure off our boys and will allow them to flourish. If we go to France just to enjoy ourselves and play with freedom, I reckon we can surprise a few people, including myself.”

Janet Fisher, from Peterborough, said: “Being the underdog and setting out to prove a point to people like me suits us. I am sure if I carry on slagging the lads off we will sneak in under the radar and stuff it down my throat.”

Julian Cook, from Stevenage, added: “England are basically rubbish, but you only have to look at what happened with the Danes in 1992 to see that, with a bit of luck and a favourable draw, we have as good a chance as any side in the tournament, if not a better one.

“It’s coming home, it’s coming home, etc, etc.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Women under increasing pressure to have dragons

WOMEN are facing pressure to have at least one baby dragon coiled on their bare shoulders, it has been claimed.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that 79 per cent of men saw dragon ownership as a requirement for any potential female partner.

Susan Traherne of Richmond said: “Dragon eggs cost a fortune. Even if you’re lucky enough to find one for free in a distant mystical land, a hatchling dragon needs minimum two live goats a day.

“If you do get one there’s no guarantee it will obey you. My friend Susan had a smallish grey dragon and it bit her head off then burned down her garage.

“They’re like those pigs that are cute for a bit but then get massive and difficult.”

She added: “Most of my friends bring dragons to work but the nearest I could manage was a chameleon. Everyone laughed and was like ‘what the fuck’s that?’.

“I don’t even have an army of eunuch soldiers.”