United granted 'Fergie Time' season extension

MANCHESTER United have been granted six extra games after a meeting between the Referee’s Association and Sir Alex Ferguson.

Two games each will be played against Norwich, Fulham and Cardiff City, giving United the chance to earn a further 18 points and putting them back in contention for the title.

Ferguson said: “I explained, from a distance of one inch at a volume of approximately 110 decibels, that there had been a great deal of timewasting earlier in the season. About 640 minutes worth, in fact.”

When told the extra matches cast serious doubt on whether United players could compete in this summer’s World Cup, Fergie said “So it’s win-win.”

Lawyers have confirmed that the basic principle of the move – if United haven’t won, it’s not over – has been an unwritten rule of the Premier League since its inception and is not open to legal challenge.

Fulham manager Felix Magath said: “In agreeing to this, our club may seem like a desperate, dumped boyfriend willing to be completely humiliated just to play against a Premier League team one last time.

“That is entirely accurate.”

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Mango shortage puts middle-class kids in danger of real sweets

CHILDREN of twee parents risk tasting refined sugar for the first time as Britain is hit by a mango shortage.

An EU ban on Indian mango exports means that children called Zachary and Imogen may eat their first Haribo within the month, ruining years of careful nurturing.

Mother-of-two Francesca Johnson said: “Raising a middle-class child to middle-class adulthood is like walking a horse in blinkers.

“You have to lead them past the terrible temptations of plastic toys, non-Iranian animation, television with adverts in, and worst of all white sugar.

“Mangoes had been the perfect screen. They’ve had years of mango in the lunchbox, mango after dinner, mango as a holiday treat and never suspected.

“But once they taste Tangfastics it’s all over.”

Seven-year-old Portia Johnson said: “I always wanted to be an aerospace engineer but that was before my lips felt the sublime kiss of a Vimto bon-bon.

“Now I don’t want to do anything but suck sherbet through a coloured straw all day every day for the rest of my life.”

Her brother Bear Johnson, aged ten, said: “They lied to us. Not everything is organic.

“There are crisps in the world that taste of pickled onion and sweet chilli and barbecue beef, not just parsnip and beetroot and sweet potato.

“I’m going to burn down the house.”