Chris Packham flees Malta on back of giant eagle

TELEVISION naturalist Chris Packham has escaped Maltese police custody with the help of birds.

Avian species, who see Packham as a staunch ally, came to the rescue after the presenter was detained in Malta while filming illegal bird hunting.

Eyewitnesses reported birds of all kinds flocking down the chimney of the Maltese police station, pecking and clawing officers.

A pair of chaffinches removed keys to Packham’s interrogation room from a guard’s belt, then held them in their beaks to unlock the door like in a Disney film.

Packham, who speaks 518 bird languages, was escorted onto the back of a waiting golden eagle while seagulls dive-bombed irate officers, shitting on their heads.

Collared dove Tom Logan said: “Packham is our bird brother. In our tongue we call him ‘Kemetra’ which means ‘feathers on the inside’.”

He added: “Also he knows Michaela Strachan personally. She was so fit back in the day.”

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How does UKIP keep selecting all these nutters? asks puzzled Farage

UKIP leader Nigel Farage says he cannot understand how the party keeps choosing candidates with sociopathic opinions.

As yet another UKIP hopeful was suspended for saying something vile, Farage said it was ‘incredible’ that a party that ‘consisted overwhelmingly of nice, decent people’ keeps selecting racists and homophobes.

He added: “I can’t believe how many of these internal inquiries I keep ordering. What are the odds?

“And to think of all the lovely, tolerant, intelligent people that we could have picked instead. It proves, once again, that choosing candidates really is pot luck.”