RBS confirms it’s still run by the most gigantic bastards imaginable

THE Royal Bank of Scotland just wanted you to know that it is still deeply and disturbingly immoral.

The loss-making, taxpayer-owned bank is keen to give huge bonuses to its professional gamblers amid worries you may have temporarily forgotten it was being run by demons.

But the bank stressed that even if it was not allowed to award the bonuses, it did not matter because the people involved will still be paid an enormous amount of money based on absolutely nothing.

A spokesman said: “Very, very high salaries no longer have the same impact. Although we obviously don’t need the bonuses – seriously, you have no idea – they are symbolic of our hot desire to lay waste to your pitiful, ordinary lives.

“Next year, regardless of our level of failure, we’re going to ask for 300% via a note stapled to the forehead of an old woman in a wheelchair.”

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Applicants advised not to bring box of wine to mortgage interview

STRICT new mortgage rules will mean applicants should not turn up to their bank or building society with a three-litre box of wine.

With lenders keen to reduce the number of loans they give to feckless booze-hounds like you, mortgage brokers are advising clients to avoid extravagant daytime drinking during the crucial interview stage.

Broker Martin Bishop said: “Before the crash it was considered incredibly rude not to bring at least one bottle per person.

“Because none of the questions and answers actually mattered, the person on the other side of the desk was just as keen as you were to drink a lot of wine during the day.

“But now there is a ‘new puritanism’ in the air, for no other reason than the fact that society almost collapsed.”

A spokesman for the Society of Mortgage Lenders said: “It’s not really about drinking wine during the interview, it’s about what you do with the very small amount of money we’re going to let you keep.

“So the key thing is, don’t bring along a box of wine and make sure your answers are a litany of outrageous lies.

“Also, we will be turning down people who say ‘exetra’ instead of ‘etcetera’ and ‘fillum’ instead of ‘film’.”