United now uninsurable

MANCHESTER United are now virtually uninsurable after the signing of splintery striker Robin Van Persie.

The premiums for the club have gradually risen over the years through a combination of Ferguson-related dressing room injuries, Rooney attacks and the ever-present risk presented by simply being in Manchester.

But with the addition of Van Persie, Ferguson admitted: “Unless we wrap Robin up in a bunch of sleeping bags and keep him away from every defender in the country the club’s going to harder to cover than George Michael’s Ferrari.

“Last season he managed to play 38 games for Arsenal without exploding or falling into bits like the bad guys in the Lego games. What? I’ve watched my grandkids play them.

“Anyway the doctor doing the medical said Robin’s like an Alfa Romeo – he can look really sleek for a while but his boot will suddenly fly off for no reason and the next thing you know you’re looking at a bill that would make Bill Gates cry just to get him mobile again.”

The club have already taken steps to reduce their insurance liability, minimising the risk of crowd-related trouble to zero through filling the stadium with people who aren’t really watching the match and by keeping the trophy cabinet empty for the last year.

They will also cancel policies on non-essential items such as Bébé, Anderson and Clive Tydesley, as well as reducing existing cover on players to a basic fire, theft and Ryan Shawcross package.

Ferguson said: “We’re doing what we can, but I just know at some point this year I’m going to be sat in my office filling out a thirty-page claim form and drawing a diagram of where all the bits of Robin’s leg ended up.”



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Clarkson splits into two

JEREMY Clarkson has split into two separate entities – one sad, the other mocking.

The biological miracle occurred after Clarkson retaliated against Twitter comments joking about the death of his dog, triggered by his own posting of the sad news.

Having read through his own furious Top Gear magazine column responding to the jibes, Clarkson went to bed confused that he himself was now an example of political correctness gone stark raving mad.

The following morning he woke to discover his verruca had grown into a perfect physical clone of himself, Clarkson 2, and split from his original body.

A spokesman for the presenter said: “Clarkson 2 is kind and sensitive, he embodies Jeremy’s human side.

“Clarkson 2 feels sad that his dog has died, he also likes poetry and collecting little china frog ornaments.

“Meanwhile original Clarkson is now pure darkness.”

Clarkson 2 posted on Twitter: “Still sad, am on Spotify listening to songs about best friends.”

Original Clarkson responded by mocking Clarkson 2 in his newspaper column, writing: “I like dogs as much as the next Englishman, but like humans of various nationalities they have no souls.”

Qualifying his incendiary headline-grabbing remark, Clarkson continued: “My real problem is with the professional grief junkies like other me, trumpeting their mutt-induced tears on Twitter – an imaginary club house for perverts and mouth-breathers. And God forbid we respond to their worthless emotions with the humour that makes this nation great – the lefties will pounce.”

Clarkson 2 responded on Twitter: “Why am I being so mean to me?”

Nikki Hollis, media analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “It’s perfectly legitimate to grieve for a pet, but posting about it on Twitter so that you can get attention from strangers is likely to attract antagonism, especially if you are a professional antagonist.

“This whole thing is toughest on Richard Hammond, he doesn’t know whether Clarkson or Clarkson 2 is his pack leader. He’s running around in circles, barking helplessly.”