United raise ticket prices to annoy everyone

MANCHESTER United have confirmed that their £1 ticket price increase was a calculated move based solely on their insatiable desire to annoy.

At least they'll be able to buy more ghastly tat

The club have asked the dark forces behind the jingles in the Mazuma, Go Compare and WeBuyAnyCar adverts to come up with a 30-second song advertising the price hike to maximise the level of irritation.

A club spokesman said: “Whether you’re a fan feeling that a Glazer brother has just inched his stubby penis slightly further into your ear or you’ve no interest in sport and this story indirectly makes you aware of the staggering amounts of cash involved in the business, there’s something to furiously bother just about everybody.

“And we don’t even need the money. It’s going to cost more to tell everybody about the increase than we’ll actually make, but if anything that just made us want to do it even more.”

After United’s 4-1 win over Schalke, the club hired Tom Hanks to come to Old Trafford to read out a press release written by JK Rowling to advertise the rise in prices at an estimated cost of £3.4 million.

To increase the overwhelming contempt for the club, the £1 per ticket raise will not be applied on an even basis, but will range from a 1p to a £4,593 raise depending on what kind of mood the person working in the ticket office is in.

The spokesman added: “Realistically, for a club as big as United with its rich and varied history, there’s only so many permutations involving referees, the fixture list and an infiltration of gypsies possible before you run out of ways to be an overwhelming shit.

“But watch this space – next season we’re going to go on strike unless the FA make Nani the English goodwill ambassador for the Fair Play league.”