US Equity Group Makes £119m Bid For Benitez's Brain

LIVERPOOL are in talks with a private equity firm over a multimillion bid for the contents of Rafael Benitez’s imagination.

The Rhone Group is hoping to use the various phantasms of the Spaniard’s mind to develop a theme park, a range of collectible toys and an industrial strength anti-psychotic drug treatment.

A company spokesman said: “Benitez is one of the most exciting psyches in English football, better even than Alex Ferguson’s quantum view of what actually happens in real life and Phil Brown’s belief that he is living in a 1970s comedy sex romp.”

The group plan to install Benitez in their head office’s ‘creative solutions’ department, where he will fire off insane conjecture that might hopefully be turned into unpredictable business opportunities.

The spokesman added: “We’ve already asked him about re-investing in existing mid-term South American securities and his solution was to rub the bits of paper with pomegranate seeds until they go all pink.

“He is a genius, once you work out what he’s actually trying to say and avoid looking directly into his eyes, which seem to be bottomless swirls of howling madness.”

Liverpool’s assistant manager, Sammy Lee, said: “It will be a relief for everyone working here as we can finally take down the cloths that have been covering all the mirrors.

“Rafa is convinced the place is haunted by chubby, hispanic looking men with dark beards and sad expressions. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve tried explaining it to him.”

Meanwhile Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson has confirmed his plans to produce a fantasy film trilogy based on Benitez’s reasons for signing Alberto Aquilani.


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Teenage Boys To Be Taught How To Stop Yanking At It For Five Minutes

TEENAGE boys are to be given lessons in how to release the vice-like grip on their penises for five minutes and get some sleep.

A pilot scheme has been launched in Glasgow amid fears some teenagers are now getting less than four hours sleep a night due to a combination of being teenagers and having relatively fresh genitals.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "It's all about taking it one step at a time. First of all we attempt to distract them from their groins by shining a small torch or a laser pen.

"Then, starting with the pinky, we take each finger and gradually unhook it from the penis, before using a pair of pliers and a chisel to prise apart the thumb and forefinger.

"We then quickly insert a penis substitute such as a banana, a courgette or a nice big dildo into the empty hand to prevent panic attacks or hyper-ventilation.

"Once we are sure they are comfortable with the substitute we then hit them on the back of the head with an omelette pan and bring them round eight hours later."

Professor Brubaker added: "Parents who want to stop teenage girls staying up all night talking on their mobile phones and using the internet simply need to remember that it's their house and their daughters can either shut up or piss off."

Meanwhile a similar scheme in Darlington is aiming to teach young people how to breathe.

A spokesman for the Royal Society for the Promotion of Breathing said: "A lot of them are breathing in, breathing in again and then breathing in a third time, before finally breathing out.

"In 21st Century Britain, that's an absolute scandal."