Van Gaal demands players adopt his hairstyle

LOUIS Van Gaal has ordered Manchester United’s players to have their hair cut exactly like his. 

Wayne Rooney has been given a week to make arrangements with his hair transplant team but otherwise the rule applies to all players, as well as back room staff, directors and season ticket holders with immediate effect.

Van Gaal said: “I said I wanted this club to be run in my style and that includes coiffure. It was a good haircut in 1982 and it is a good haircut now.

“No one has dared tell me otherwise.”

Moreoever, in what he promises will be a “great leap forward” from seventh to first place, he has renamed the club the Democratic United People’s Club Of Manchester.

And despite previous misgivings from Sir Alex Ferguson, the team will now play in grey shirts, with high collars.

Van Gaal also plans a ground invasion of bitter rivals Manchester City before Christmas unless they evacuate the disputed territory of Etihad.

Several United players are rumoured to have defected while on tour in America, seeking asylum.

However, Van Gaal has rebuffed accusations that he is a fearsome, dictatorial manager:“I do not even ask my players to call me ‘Mr Van Gaal’. I encourage familiarity.

“They may call me ‘Dear’. So long as they follow it with ‘leader’.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Opening ceremony viewers question their sanity

THE Commonwealth Games opening ceremony has left viewers phoning friends to make sure they saw the same thing. 

As anthropomorphic teacakes danced around a huge snake with the word ‘Tyre’ inexplicably written on its flank, thousands reached out to family members or the emergency services for reassurance that they were not hallucinating.

999 operator Nikki Hollis said: “Our switchboards were jammed with people asking about John Barrowman driving around on the back of a monster truck with loads of tiny dogs and scampering scarecrows.

“I told them it was probably a latent memory of some Ken Russell film and to breathe into a bag until it stopped. Then I turned the telly on and saw it too, or at least I think I saw it.

“Maybe the government is putting chemicals in the water.”

58-year-old Stephen Malley said: “Personally I felt the ceremony was a brilliant representation of Scotland’s rich history of caning loads of mind-altering drugs.”