Van Gaal managing United as community service

LOUIS Van Gaal cannot leave United until he has completed his 380 hours of community service, it has emerged. 

The manager attempted to resign after Saturday’s loss to Southampton, but was told that it would violate the terms of his probation and he would be sent to prison. 

He said: “It was a dispute with a neighbour back in Amsterdam, I got angry and flung mud over their clean washing, and the court was hard on me because it was not the first time. 

“Okay, I thought, how bad can Manchester be? But oh my God so depressing, the rain and the food and Wayne Rooney.

“They say I still have 68 hours left which takes me to the end of the season. Perhaps prison might be better.”

The Dutchman faces half-hearted competition for his job from Jose Mourinho, who was forced to send the club a letter explaining that he would manage them under threat of his benefits being sanctioned.