Van Gaal managing United as community service

LOUIS Van Gaal cannot leave United until he has completed his 380 hours of community service, it has emerged. 

The manager attempted to resign after Saturday’s loss to Southampton, but was told that it would violate the terms of his probation and he would be sent to prison. 

He said: “It was a dispute with a neighbour back in Amsterdam, I got angry and flung mud over their clean washing, and the court was hard on me because it was not the first time. 

“Okay, I thought, how bad can Manchester be? But oh my God so depressing, the rain and the food and Wayne Rooney.

“They say I still have 68 hours left which takes me to the end of the season. Perhaps prison might be better.”

The Dutchman faces half-hearted competition for his job from Jose Mourinho, who was forced to send the club a letter explaining that he would manage them under threat of his benefits being sanctioned.

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Pseudo-scientific diet fails to stop scientific illness

A WOMAN has contracted a stinking cold despite following a special diet based on wishful thinking.

Web designer Emma Bradford became unwell after a virus that is scientifically proven to exist overcame the imaginary defences provided by ‘superfoods’ and pills made from inedible plants.

Bradford said: “How can I have a cold when I drink a pint of blueberry and cabbage smoothie every morning with a capsule of geranium oil?

While Bradford’s low-fat diet has certain benefits, they do not include killing the virus currently causing her to ooze mucus while sitting under a duvet watching cartoons.

She continued: “I’m sure my diet’s fundamentally sound because it’s about anti-oxidants, micronutrients and amino acids, and those are all definitely science words.

“However I’m starting to wonder if omega-3 oils really do make you cleverer, especially when a bottle of capsules costs £35 and a tin of sardines is 40p.”