Vieira Mistook Whelan For Nazi Soldier

PATRICK Vieira has defended his attack on Glenn Whelan by claiming he was in the middle of a Word War Two flashback.

The Manchester City star was charged with violent conduct by the FA after match referee Alan Wiley threatened him with nothing more than a week in the cooler.

City supporter Charlie Reeves said: "The two of them went in for the tackle and the next minute Vieira shouted 'Vive la Resistance!' and started hoofing him in the crackers.

"After he got up, I'm sure I heard him call Whelan an 'occupying Nazi pig', which I thought was a bit strong."

Vieira faced further censure from Stoke City after staff discovered a network of tunnels leading from the away side dressing room, believed to be part of an escape plan by the Frenchman.

Groundsman Wayne Hayes said: "We knew there was something wrong because the pitch is now the same height as Row F in the main stand. I watched the game again and you can clearly see Vieira emptying soil from his shorts during a corner kick. It's like we’ve been infested by enormous French moles."

Attending the initial FA hearing, Vieira was taciturn, refusing to give anything but his name, position and squad number. The meeting was nearly adjourned as he was wrestled to the ground after attempting to take a suicide pill.

City boss Roberto Mancini said: "When we signed Patrick, we knew that along with the great experience his age brings we were getting the kind of eccentricity that occasionally makes him think he's a freedom fighter trying to liberate Le Havre.

"I will speak to him about his conduct as soon as I can find him, as he currently thinks he's having a torrid affair with Edith Piaf."


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Twitter Filled With People Being Wrong About Jan Moir Again

JUST four months after thousands of people were wrong about Jan Moir, the social network Twitter was today filled with them being wrong again.

Across Britain thousands of people took to their computers and mobile phones to be comprehensively wrong about freedom of speech and the role of the Press Complaints Commission.

@Nickking said: "Don't understand why PCC are not acting on #janmoir comments on Stephen Gateley. When 25,000 offended people complain it has to be offensive."

But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, explained: "No it doesn't."

@Olipro added: "There is a right to free speech, however, that doesn't give you the right to publish vitriolic hate in a major newspaper. #JanMoir"

Professor Brubaker said: "Actually yes, that's exactly what it does."

Meanwhile @JohnPrescott, a publicly funded oaf, said: "25,000 people are obviously wrong. PCC decides to not censure #janmoir over her hateful Stephen Gately comments."

Professor Brubaker stressed: "As a matter of fact, science shows us that very large groups of people are obviously wrong about things every day.

"It could be something as simple as believing in God, giving money to Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow or watching Grey's Anatomy. And let's not forget that on May 5th 2005 17,609 people in Hull voted for John Prescott. They were obviously wrong and yet nothing was done about it."

And @paully_c said: "How do we go about getting the PCC removed and a proper independent authority put in charge? It's finally time. #janmoir #pcc."

Professor Brubaker explained: "No it isn't and, of course, it will only be independent up to the point where it does something you don't like."

He added: "And by the way, imagine being on the same side of an argument as John Prescott. Jesus Christ."