Wayne Bridge's World Cup Dream Ruined By John Terry's Penis

MANCHESTER City defender Wayne Bridge today admitted his World Cup dream had been destroyed by the penis of John Terry.

Bridge issued a statement through his lawyers, ruling himself out of England selection, insisting his place in the squad had been made untenable by his former Chelsea team-mate's desire to ejaculate every five minutes.

He said: "If you'd asked me three years ago if I thought I would have to retire from international football and see my dream of playing in the World Cup torn from my grasp because of the pudgy little dick of some hair-gel wearing ponce then I would probably have said 'no'."

The statement continued: "Today I think back on all those times we stood next to each other in the showers at Stamford Bridge and I would inadvertently catch sight of John obsessively playing with himself like some grubby, demented pervert.

"Not once did it occur to me that such a scrawny, wrinkled inch and a half of flesh would one day prevent me from swapping jerseys with Lionel Messi."

He added: "As a professional footballer you always worry that your dreams could be ruined by a cruciate ligament injury or possibly even a nasty groin strain.

"But if a groin is going to have a negative impact on your career then it should, at least, be your own."

The full-back said he wished the squad the best of luck in South Africa except for Terry who he hopes is eaten alive by a dirty great crocodile, starting with his tiny cock.


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My boyfriend and I have recently been talking about spicing things up in the bedroom and maybe acting out some of our secret fantasies for each other, which now turns out to have been an enormous error. I thought I was being racy when I suggested I dress up as a nurse and let him spank me. But then he suddenly confessed that he wants me to pretend that we are Tony and Cherie Blair and that I need to prevent him from taking the country to war by repeatedly striking him about his person with an enormous black dildo. I'm not sure if I am up for that. Any suggestions?

Dear Elaine,
As you have clearly discovered, sometimes allowing men access to your fantasies can be dangerous. My new best friend Olivia and I were playing 'let's pretend' in her new Wendy house the other day when we experienced a similar predicament to the one you describe. I was mummy and she was the daughter and we were having a jolly old time making a beautiful cake out of play-doh. But then we let her snotty little brother Colin join the fun and next thing we know, the house was being attacked by an army of toxic zombies whose relentless assault was only temporarily held back by Colin's impressive arsenal of invisible weaponry. It was only a matter of time before the zombies had breached the perimeter, torn the Wendy house apart and stamped all over the cake. Homeless and terrified, Olivia and I resolved never to play 'let's pretend' with Colin again.
Hope that helps!