Fresh Delay To Rustenberg Sex Dungeon

BUILDERS working on England's World Cup base in South Africa have admitted the underground depravity cave may not be completed on schedule.

Managers at the Rustenberg complex say the four-berth leather sex swings have yet to be installed while the beams must be repositioned to accommodate the 100-inch plasma screen where the players will watch videos of themselves having sex with women who have received money from John Terry.

Architect Charles Reeves said: "This structure has to be capable of fulfilling the sordid urges of 22 sexually-voracious men at the peak of physical fitness, and Emile Heskey.

"The 300-gallon lube tank has arrived but it will take another month to plumb it in to the bedrooms. And if you know of a place on the African continent where I can buy a 35-foot hot tub with underwater cameras then please do let me know."

England coach Fabio Capello visited Rustenberg this week and said he was pleased with the mound of rubble where his team is meant to be staying.

He said: "It's a great improvement on the last time I was here, when it was 30 acres of goatherding pasture and a single water pump. And there are certainly a lot more men leaning on shovels."

Capello also insisted his squad will remain focussed on football and the worst the England fans could expect is a 48-hour scandal involving 25 strippers and an industrial belt-sander.

He added: "The Rustenberg centre has been specially designed so they can indulge themselves in a quick reverse Dutch steamboat or a relaxing bout of Frenchman's Damnation, all within easy reach of an ultra sound massage device."


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Immigrant Fury Over Daily Mail Salaries

IMMIGRANT workers have demanded government action after discovering Daily Mail journalists are receiving large salaries for the things they write.

The outcry comes after pictures of Mail columnists' luxury homes and fancy cars were published in the Shit Jobs Gazette.

Tomasz Vereski, who works 19-hour days as a gusset-scraper in an underwear recycling factory, said: "I can write English sentences, understand the concept of the lowest common denominator and can bang my head against a bannister until I damage my brain, but have I got a column in the Mail?

"I probably couldn't even get a regular gig at the Daily Express."

He added: "Where is my comfortable office and my large converted barn in the Cotswolds full of labradors and cheese and immigrant cleaners? I am filled with righteous indignation."

Somali mother-of-two Bala Ibrahim said: "I don't have time to do a proper job, so tossing off 300 words for the Mail about how I should be deported for getting massive benefit cheques, state-funded spa treatments and free Xbox games would be an excellent way to earn enough money to pay my gas bill.

"Alternately, I could channel my anger at witnessing my family members being macheted to death into a Liz Jones-type piece about the frustrations of living in a village full of people who don't know what Brioche is.

"Here, I will do 500 words now on the back of this cereal box and send it to Paul Dacre."

A spokesman for the Daily Mail said: "There is a great deal of myth about our journalists' pay.

"Contrary to popular belief, Richard Littlejohn receives no financial remuneration for his work here. He is paid in the souls of pre-school children, which he sucks out through their terrified nostrils, leaving their little bodies shrivelled like deflated balloons."