British Library To Archive

BRITAIN'S internet heritage could be lost forever unless experts are able to archive websites such as hotsurreybitches and

The British Library wants a new law that will allow it to archive millions of websites without permission, especially the ones that are chock-full of bums, tits and fannies.

The library's assistant director, Dr Julian Cook, said: "There are eight million websites currently registered in the UK that we have still to archive, and 7.9 million are a vitally important historical record of how ordinary people in the early 21st century looked at vaginas and stuff."

Dr Cook warned that a key element of Britain's social history will be lost unless he and his colleagues are allowed to stay up all night archiving themselves into a frenzy.

He added: "We can't make a judgement about what people in the future will find useful, except that we do know they will want to ogle snatches – or indeed big, fat knobs if they are women or gay men. If it's gay women then we're back onto the snatches.

"But anyway, it's not just about preserving hot sluts and their hoo-has. We can also save thousands of valuable historic blogs such as and

"There is a wonderful entry from 'hereswhatithink', posted on May 7th 1999, where the blogger expresses a short, angry, incoherent opinion and then links to a news story.

"But the really interesting thing is, if you look at the news story and then go back to the opinion it becomes immediately clear that he didn't read it all the way to the end and, what's more, he didn't even understand the bit that he did actually read.

"What sort of society would allow that to be erased for ever?"

He added: "No, no, not 'an intelligent one with far better things to do' actually.

"Get out of my office."


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'Racist' T-Shirt Could Cause Morons To Say Stuff

A SCOTTISH t-shirt expressing dislike of the England football team could cause morons to say things, experts have warned.

The shirt, which wishes success to 'Anyone But England' in this summer's World Cup, is likely to provoke at least 48 hours of tedious debate about post-devolution British identity and why Scotland needs to grow up.

Experts say the policeman who warned an Aberdeen shopkeeper about displaying the shirt must now take responsibility for the resulting avalanche of bullshit articles and mind-buggering exchanges on Live from Studio Five.

Julian Cook, the Nicky Campbell Professor for the Understanding of Stupid Debates at Reading University, said: "At first you'll get some articles about why the police have to intervene in every single little thing and how this country simply isn't free any more.

"But that will quickly give way to columnists saying 'actually, this incident does raise a serious point about Britain…' when, of course, it doesn't. It just fucking doesn't.

"And by the end of today the BBC will have sent camera crews on to the streets of Glasgow and Coventry to gather up the kind of soul-destroying responses that will lead to yet another traffic spike on French property websites."

He added: "By Friday you may even get a column in the Independent about 'why must the British media analyse absolutely everything?' which will of course be written without even the faintest whiff of self-awareness."

But veteran Daily Telegraph columnist, Denys Hatton, said that while the t-shirt was no doubt meant to be taken in jest, it would inevitably lead to the break up the United Kingdom and generations of blood soaked conflict that will divide families and lay waste to Berwick Upon Tweed.

He added: "When will the prime minister have the guts to accept responsibility for this genocidal 't-shirt' and go back to the land of chippy, drunken, bestial perverts from whence he was puked?"