SPURS striker Roman Pavlyuchenko last night hit out at England's lack of beetroot sandwiches and ugly, toothless old hags.
The £14m signing has revealed how he misses walking down a street and being accosted by dozens of bearded old women wrapped in shawls.
Pavlyuchenko said: "They cackle, they shake baby in face. In London, is not so much. Except maybe on underground.
"I come to England in hope of better life. But where is brutalist architecture, apart from Coventry? When will wind chill reach minus 40? And how I find man who poke dancing bear with sharp wooden stick?"
The striker added: "The Spurs canteen offers fruit, salad, pasta. Where is fried beetroot toastie and potato marmalade?
"And training ground is so smooth and flat. Where tractor ruts? Where drums full of industrial waste? Where deformed nuclear sheep?"
Pavyluchenko said settling into the English way of life had been difficult, particularly as he has been forced to spend much of his spare time teaching Andy Gray and Mark Lawrenson how to pronounce his name.
Spurs boss Harry Redknapp admitted many of his new signings were finding it difficult to acclimatise, adding: "We have to keep stealing things from Robbie Keane and then selling them back to him in the pub.
"And since moving from Man Utd Fraizer Campbell has found it very difficult to get used to that whole 'being in a team that could get relegated' thing."