Which England Footballer Likes To Have Sex With Two Giraffes At The Same Time?

AN ENGLAND footballer has taken out a High Court injunction in a bid to prevent a newspaper revealing their obsession with underage giraffe orgies.

The player was granted a so called ‘super-injunction’ late last night amid claims a Sunday tabloid had signed an exclusive deal with at least one of the 14ft tall herbivores.

The ruling prevents the media from disclosing the name of the player, but he is understood to be one of the ones that has two legs, an absurd car, a ghastly neo-something mansion with an indoor go-kart rink and a plastic wife or girlfriend with a pair of top-of-the-range knockers she bought in Dubai.

A senior source said: “The word going round is that whoever it is has got a big giraffe thing. Or it could just be really tall women. Or it could be a combination of the two, like maybe he watches the woman and the giraffe doing it and then he joins in at the end.

“I don’t really know.”

He added: “The absolutely brilliant thing about super-injunctions is that they’re basically a blank cheque to invent any old shit you want. Like I just did about giraffes and whatsisname.

“It’s all completely made-up, including me.

“But the secrecy means that no-one can deny any of it, meanwhile the entire country gets to speculate endlessly about the base sexual habits of our national team to the point where we just assume that every single one of them is a massive pervert.”

The made-up source continued: “I don’t even know how one would go about having sex with a giraffe. Stilts? Airplane steps? A wobbling pyramid of rickety chairs?

“Or do you just wait patiently on the branch of an acacia tree until one of them backs onto you?”

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Two-thirds believe their windows are giant screens

MOST people are convinced that the view from their living room is a 2D image made of pixels.

The Institute for Studies found that almost 70 percent believe that windows are non-interactive screens and that ‘outside’ exists on a purely conceptual level.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The internet fulfils our most basic needs, while most letterboxes have been widened to facilitate the delivery of all but the largest Domino special offers.

“The English, most of whom are without proper work, have precious little reason to go outside unless their house catches on fire. Even then 64 percent say at that point they would just keep masturbating.”

Bill McKay, from Peterborough, said: “There’s a big screen in the middle of my bedroom wall with a picture of a tree on it, and sometimes also a car.

“I’ve tried dragging the car onto the top of the tree but it appears not to be touch-sensitive.

“I’ve been looking for the keyboard that operates it, because I would like to change the picture to breasts.”

He added: “I’ve heard about the ‘outside’. I googled it. I think it’s real but invisible, like ghosts.”