Wimbledon crowd cheers as Murray's opponent mauled by bear

WIMBLEDON fans rejoiced as Andrew Murray’s opponent was attacked by a brown bear, it has emerged.

The aggressive 500kg bear was a welcome arrival on Centre Court, sinking its huge knife-like teeth into the non-Murray player, whose name is unimportant, at a vital moment in the second set.

Murray fan Tom Logan said: “It is a shame that the non-Murray player was dragged across the court in the maw of a ferocious carnivore, but dealing with unexpected circumstances is part of being a professional sportsman.

“Also Andy was playing with a sore hip so I think that makes it fair.

“As any great player does, Andy took full advantage of his opening by coolly serving out the match without letting the bear’s noisy feeding across the net bother him. It was a fantastic performance, plus we all had some strawberries.”

He added: “Presumably the bear escaped from a zoo or something, I can’t imagine it had a ticket.”

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Nuke Alaska, whatever, US tells North Korea

THE US has challenged North Korea to launch a nuclear strike on Alaska to see if they even notice. 

Following news that the rogue state has successfully tested a ICBM which could reach the state, US sources have informed them in no uncertain terms that they ‘would be wasting their fucking time’. 

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said: “Imagine post-apocalyptic Alaska with those famous monuments half-sunk in the sand, except oh yeah there aren’t any. 

“It’s a cross between the least-populated bits of Canada and the least-populated bits of Russia, inhabited mainly by feuding members of the Palin clan. 

“I don’t know why we’ve got Alaska. Alaskans don’t know why we’ve got Alaska. At least Hawaii’s good for holidays. 

“So yeah, nuke away. Even residents will be just like ‘Is the radiation count higher today, or is it just me?’” 

Kim Jong-un said: “No matter what I do, I can never impress them. I should just stop trying.”