Women disgusting, says Dove

WOMEN are icky and only our products can save them, Dove has claimed.

Following its controversial breastfeeding advert, the cosmetics manufacturer has confirmed that anyone without a Y chromosome is inherently grim and should be made to conceal their shame with soap. 

A Dove spokesman said: “Women have disgusting secretions from their malformed, wobbly bodies, and it makes us all sick.

“We’ve made our attitude very clear before, by parading a succession of lumpen women and inviting you to judge their horridness.

“Other brands give you these false messages about empowerment and diversity and other crap. Dove knows that the only true message is one that tells women they are gross.

“Here’s some concealer for your awful skin.”

Dove customer Donna Sheridan said: “Now I know our bodies should be hidden from public view at all times lest they frighten a child or give offence to the God who created us as a mistake.”

The Dove spokesman added: “Men, you’re perfect just as you are.”

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Worker unable to rationalise why he ate a Greggs pasty

AN OFFICE worker is unable to figure out why he ate a pasty from Greggs for his lunch.

Martin Bishop of Bedford ate the Sausage and Bean Melt at 1.14pm yesterday, getting so-called ‘buyer’s regret’ before he had even finished it.

Bishop said: “There was a supermarket across the road where I could have bought a salad or some kind of hummus.

But I didn’t. I ate whatever the hell that was.”

Bishop’s co-worker Emma Bradford said, “I’d always had a crush on Martin but seeing him sit there, mindlessly eating that sand-coloured sausage pouch thing really put me off him.

“In fact it has put me off men, and indeed the human race.”

Martin Bishop added: “That was a horrible experience and not to be repeated. So it’s back to the Steak Bake today, and maybe one of those custard slices that is too tall to fit in a human mouth.”