Wimbledon To Ban Fisting

OFFICIALS at Wimbledon are to outlaw the practice of 'fisting' during matches in a move to clean up the increasingly offensive world of international tennis.

 

Fisting joins grunting, swearing, smoking and heavy petting on the list of activities that are no longer deemed acceptable on court.

Commander Michael Bilge, RN Rtd. (HMS Thatcher) and head of court etiquette for the Lawn Tennis Association, said that fisting should remain on the football pitch 'where it belonged'.

He said: "We looked the other way when the Americans were fisting openly, but when Tim Henman took it up it became obvious that the traditions of the All England Club were under threat.

"When we saw Sharapova was doing it we really started to get worried, and when we heard that fisting was taking place in the mixed doubles we knew it had to stop."

Commander Bilge said players who repeatedly shook their clenched fists and shouted at themselves to celebrate success would be docked points and eventually disqualified.

Players will be instead be encouraged to write themselves a polite thank-you letter after the conclusion of each game.

The news was greeted with jubilation by the Anti-Fist Alliance, the organisation that campaigns for a fist-free world.

When told the news Jocasta Newballs, a spokeswoman for the AFA, shouted "yes" and punched the air in celebration.

Meanwhile Andy Murray’s excuses coach Paul Bratter has confirmed that the young British hopeful has failed to come up with anything better than a sore wrist to justify his pulling out of Wimbledon, despite weeks of intensive training aimed at producing a more dramatic explanation.

He said: "Andy told me that the wrist had come through a Razzle and a Big Ones International during the week but when he really tested it out with a Maria Sharapova work-out video on Sunday it broke down. It’s not a great excuse, but I suppose it’ll just have to do."

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Bush Gives Blair Lead Role In Jug Band

TONY Blair and George Bush are set to invade the music charts after forming a hillbilly jug band.

With Blair leaving Number 10 and Bush just 18 months away from exiting the White House, both men have been keen to continue their hugely successful partnership.

After talks in Washington and London they agreed to form G&T's Hillbilly Stompers, a six-piece band centred around the umistakeable tones of the moonshine jug.

After recording sessions in Nashville, Atlanta and Darlington, their debut album Fists of God is due in the shops next week.

It features tracks including Ma Momma Don't Like Arabs, The Lord Made Me a Liar and God is a Three Gallon Jug.

Blair plays lead jug, while Bush handles rhythm jug and vocals. The President is also responsible for most of the jaunty, hate-filled lyrics.

A world tour is expected to kick-off early next year with a concert at One Eyed Leroy's Brunch & Gas in Oak Hill, West Virginia.