SPORT is an entirely negative influence on humanity, it has been confirmed.
Following the latest doping scandal in athletics, experts believe it is past time that everyone stopped doing sport.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Sport might seem exciting when shown in a jazzy montage on a television advert for a soft drink, but in reality it is very dull.
“Quite apart from everybody injecting themselves with monkey glands, nobody likes athletics. It’s like amateur dramatics in that the participants quite enjoy it while the audience is thinking about what they’re going to have for tea.
“Footballers are just a bunch of overpaid knobhead philanderers with weirdly geometric hair transplants, while the fans are inexplicably angry with each other because of geographical differences.
“Cycling is weird and essentially for people who are too boring even to be Christians.
“Cricket is just cricket, no further explanation needed, it’s shit.
“I think darts and snooker are okay, let’s keep them and board games.”