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World Cup wallchart abandoned

A WORLD Cup wallchart pinned to a bathroom wall has received its final entry just four days into the event. 

The chart, which network specialist Nathan Muir received free with a magazine and carefully tacked up opposite the toilet, has become too much of a faff after just nine games out of 64.

Muir said: “It was Costa Rica vs Serbia that broke my resolve. I mean, who the fuck cares?

“I scanned across the other group games and saw upcoming classics like Poland-Senegal and Denmark-Australia and realised I wouldn’t care about the results of these matches if I was actually at the matches.

“Later on it’ll get important, yeah, but I’m pretty sure I’ll remember the opponents and score of an epic, nail-biting semi-final without needing an aide-memoire by the shitter.

“And there’s just something about updating a chart every time I have a bowel movement that makes it like a preview of how it’ll be when I’m 75.

“I’ll still leave the chart up until December, though. I’m a bachelor living alone, after all.”

Woman doing pelvic floor exercises in meeting confident no-one can tell

A WOMAN quietly doing her pelvic floor exercises in a business meeting is pretty sure nobody has noticed.

Nikki Hollis has spent the last 10 minutes of the weekly sales update flexing the muscles of her vagina, but believes she has been careful not to show it on her face.

She said: “Why not? I’m multitasking.

“Pretty sure I’ve masked it just as expressions of suprise and joy when Mark unveils his impressive ROIs for the marketing budget. There’s no way anyone can tell.”

Colleague Stephen Malley said: “We can literally all tell.

“She’s raising her eyebrows with a look of pained surprise every five seconds, and shifting around on the chair like a toddler with an itchy arse.

“Also the moment when she had a full-body shudder and nearly slid under the table was a heavy hint. And a memorable one.”

Malley added: “Luckily most of the room’s attention was on Dan frantically clenching his arse because he was on the Guinness last night and was terrified that if he farted he’d crap himself.”

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