Yep, this is as 'exciting' as golf gets, confirm fans

GOLF fans are insisting that the Ryder Cup is a tense, explosive contest that will have even the golf-averse on the edge of their seats. 

The biennial contest between Europe and the United States, featuring no more than one golfer you have actually heard of, is apparently a white-knuckle thrill-ride as long as you judge it by the sport’s very, very low standards.

Fan Julian Cook said: “My heart’s racing, I barely slept last night, and I’m living from hole-to-hole. If you can’t get into this, I pity you.

“Yes, golf can often be restful. But this is end-to-end drama, as long as your idea of drama is a middle-aged man dressed for Casual Friday looking slightly put out as a ball rolls past a hole.

“If Roman gladiator fights happened in the modern age, they would be like this.”

Roofer Wayne Hayes said: “I bought into the hype. I tuned in expecting to see them racing in their carts, whacking wildly at each other with clubs, the lifeless body of Ian Poulter floating face-up in a water feature.

“So far it’s been golf.”

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We're homeschooling our children, say parents who believe homeopathy is medicine

A COUPLE who believe homeopathy is better than Western medicine are to teach their children everything they need to know about the world. 

Nathan and Fiona Muir plan to educate children Fae and Chip using a variety of alternative texts, organic living websites and advice from guru friends.

Fiona said: “State school? Don’t make me laugh. Brainwashing indoctrination to turn out cogs for the capitalist machine, more like. They have to wear uniform. Says it all.

“I’m most looking forward to teaching them the truth about 9/11, the facts about mind-controlling chemtrails and how vaccines are brain implants from the lizard people.

“Maths we’ll be taking back to its Eastern, Buddhist roots, in English lessons the emphasis will be on creativity and the oral storytelling tradition, and history is racist.

“We did worry about socialisation, but there’s a strong risk they would have touched plastic and developed crippling chemical sensitivities.

“We just think it’s really important that they receive a well-rounded education that they can apply to the real world.”

Five-year-old Fae said: “Four plus four equals whatever I want it to because I don’t limit my choices.”