Yorkshire residents terrified they could be made Leeds United owner

THE cobbled streets of Yorkshire are empty as residents cower in their homes, terrified they could be made the new owner of Leeds United.

Scouts are hunting for a fall guy to take control of the club while current owner Massimo Cellino, found guilty of being Italian, steps down until next March.

54-year-old Bill McKay said: “You can’t have a pint without fear of being press-ganged and waking up with that white rose in your buttonhole, marked for life.

“Just look at the previous incumbents: Peter Ridsdale and Ken Bates, neither of whom will ever be served in a Betty’s Tea Rooms ever again.

“Homing pigeons go ten miles out of their way to shit on their heads.”

A Leeds spokesman said: “It is true that we are having difficulty finding anyone willing to take on the debts and opprobrium of heading the most loathed club in English football. No, the world.

“We need someone who is already unpopular. Maybe Geoffrey Boycott, or one of those puppets from the Wonga adverts.”

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Chris Rea begins homeward journey

SINGER Chris Rea has set off on the drive back to his house for the festive season, it has been confirmed.

The veteran rock star made his announcement over the PA system in the Queensgate, Doncaster branch of Iceland, telling customers that after some initial hold-ups he had enjoyed a good run with the traffic lights and was now on the motorway making steady progress.

Customer Tom Booker said: “I know he is a keen motorist, but I am surprised he has chosen to take the car given the volume of traffic at this time of year and the fantastic deals available on the rail network if you pre-book.”

Mother-of-two Janet Fisher said: “His family lives in Berkshire. Assuming an average of 500 miles per day with rest stops, I guess he must be driving home for Christmas from somewhere in New Zealand.

“In that case, by the time he gets back he will be exhausted. I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but if he is really so eager to see those faces, he’d surely have been better off flying.”

She added: “It could be that he has a load of food-oriented gifts for his relations and is concerned about airport security confiscating pork and dairy products.

“That happened to me one time coming back from Rimini.”