Zombie Celtic killed with fire

NK MARIBOR has finally put an end to Celtic’s Champions League campaign by removing its players’ heads and burning their remains.


Undead Celtic seemed to have been defeated in the previous round by Legia Warsaw, only to rise from the dead when the Polish club’s back was turned and devour their brains.

They threatened to do the same to Maribor, but quick thinking on the part of goalscorer Marcos Tavares saw the Hoops knocked out of the Champions League for the second time this season.

Tavares said: “They were quite persistent, but they move slowly and don’t appear to be capable of thought.

“The hard part wasn’t knocking them out, but making sure they stayed out, so I set fire to their heads using some UEFA paperwork as kindling.”

Celtic fan Bill McKay said: “The lads ran themselves into the ground tonight. They left their hearts on the pitch, and their legs, and bits of their heads.”

“It’s just a shame to see them reduced to a decaying, shambling wreck. This club used to stand for something. Now all they care about is brains.”

Scottish football is likely to face more undead trouble in the near future, when the reanimated corpse of Glasgow Rangers returns to the SPL next season.

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‘Piss off, you hipster git’ says Mary Berry

BRITAIN cheered last night as Mary Berry told a hipster to get the hell off her television programme.

The veteran cake goddess exploded with rage after the hipster presented her with a bin bag full of baked Alaskan failure.

Berry shouted: “What the fuck do you think you’re doing? This is my house and I will kick your arse.

“If your baked Alaska failed then you present it to me on a plate – like a man.”

The hipster tried to defend himself claiming his pudding was sabotaged by a maniac, but Berry responded by throwing a heavy spoon at his big, bearded face.

As Bake-Off presenters Mel and Sue bayed for the hipster’s blood, Berry added: “Take your bin bag and piss off back to Hoxton, you pop-up twat.”