Tennis stopped

TENNIS has been declared over following Andy Murray’s win.

To preserve Murray’s status as the final and definitive champion, tennis has been discontinued and the Wimbledon complex bulldozed.

The ground is being salted to ensure grass can never grow there again.

Guard dogs wearing Boris Becker masks will patrol the 12-foot perimeter fence to scare off any potential racquet wielders.

An LTA spokesman said: “Tennis is over now. Britain won. If anyone wants to play a racquet sport I understand badminton and ping pong are still going.”

Murray will be allowed to keep the Wimbledon trophy, which he will eventually give to a charity shop as without the existence of Wimbledon it will just look like a pimp’s soup tureen.

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Wales 'carrying the rest of the UK'

THE victorious British Lions with ten Welsh players is being hailed as proof that Wales is running the UK.

Welsh domination extends beyond sport – sales of albums by Charlotte Church, Tom Jones and The Stereophonics represent 90% of all UK exports.

The success of Welsh comedians like Rhod Gilbert means that three out of four times a British person laughs, it is at something a Welshman said.

Additionally leek soup, stew and cheese on toast have been hailed by scientists as the three most nutritious meals.

Welshman Roy Hobbs said: “It’s not that we Welsh are anti-English – my friends and I all own holiday cottages there.

“We even have our children learn English – it’s nice they keep alive their quaint language with its curious excess of vowels, for heritage’s sake.

“The weather’s rubbish in England and the people are surly, grey-faced, spacewasters but we like it when they dress up in traditional costumes and clack sticks together to entertain us.”

Englishman Nathan Muir said: “We’re fed up of being patronised by the Welsh – stereotyped as a bunch of Morris Dancing bulldogshaggers.

“And what about Andy Murray?”

However Hobbs said: “At the end of the day Murray is British, and for me, that makes him an honorary Welshman.”