The football fan's guide to ruining a quiet Sunday pub roast

PUBS are the perfect place to watch the Premier League on a big screen and make lunch unendurable for innocent bystanders. Football fan Wayne Hayes explains how.

Shout at the players

Immerse yourself in the game by bellowing advice to trained professionals as you down another pint of Carlsberg. They won’t be able to hear you because they’re on a television screen and you’re in a pub, but the elderly couple near the quiz machine will be intimidated into silence. Which is good because they were cutting their food a bit too loudly.

Start chanting

There’s nothing like a boisterous, insulting chant to recreate the atmosphere of a packed football stadium. That atmosphere being an outright air of violence with xenophobic undertones. For that extra touch of authenticity, throw your pint at the screen.

Crowd the bar

Carrying your pints from the bar to your table takes two seconds, but anything can happen in that time. Make sure you and your mates don’t miss a single pass or fake dive by drinking at the counter and chatting to the barman about this season’s lousy performance. If other people want to get served they can try a different pub.

Celebrate goals aggressively

It’s a good thing when your team kicks the football into the other team’s goal, so articulate your happiness in a normal fashion by punching the air and swearing until you’re red in the face. The family trying to eat next to you will be grateful you’ve taught their kids some new words.

Watch the post-match analysis

While the rest of the pub is relieved your tedious match is over, you can prolong the misery by insisting the landlord sticks on the post-match analysis. This gives you a chance to shout at the telly all over again as the highs and lows are replayed in slow motion, accompanied by some deathly dull pundit commentary and your worthless opinions.

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Prosecco and other fun drinks that become bleak as f**k when drunk alone

SOME drinks take parties to a new level but are tragic when knocked back alone. Avoid quaffing these during solo sessions.

Tequila shots

Tequila is one of the few alcoholic beverages that can heighten your mood and alertness. This doesn’t make it any less depressing when you single-handedly down half a bottle of the stuff on a Sunday morning though. Nothing screams ‘My life has gone irreversibly wrong’ like licking salt off your own hand in silence.

Prosecco

It’s acceptable to drink Prosecco during wedding receptions. How else are you supposed to get through them? If you don’t have company though, the bottle’s better off left in the fridge. Don’t let your shitty decorations which exclaim ‘It’s Prosecco o’clock’ convince you otherwise. They’re wrong. It’s not and it never is. That’s not how time works.

Punch

The quintessential party drink. As such, it’s borderline psychopathic to brew up a massive salad bowl full of vodka and store-brand fruit juice at home. You’re only spending the evening slumped on the sofa watching The Chase for f**k’s sake. Spike it with a sedative and knock yourself out to minimise the indignity.

Jelly shots

Far too much hassle for a solo drink. You’ve got to pour the jelly powder, mix it with cheap vodka, then portion it out and freeze 24 individual shots. F**k that. You’ll only down half a dozen of them before throwing up or passing out anyway. Crack open a can of Tennents Super, which is totally fine to drink alone.

Sangria

If an alcoholic drink can be served with a little umbrella in it then you should be surrounded by at least four friends. That’s not a law but it should be. Not because it’s a choking hazard, but because nobody deserves to look that pathetic. At least the tiny brolly would stop your tears falling into the glass though.