The seven stages of grief for a bloody hamster, by a dad

THE death of a family hamster is tragic for kids but boring for everyone else. Dad Roy Hobbs explains the seven tedious stages of their grief.

The discovery

By me, of course. Our daughter swore she’d look after the hamster devotedly but has ignored it ever since. When it was time to do my weekly chore of sweeping the shit pellets and piss-soaked sawdust out of its cage, there it was, kaput. If I hadn’t mentioned it was dead nobody would even have noticed.

Denial

It’s stiff as a board and doesn’t want to use its little wheel anymore, so the evidence is pretty conclusive. That won’t stop my daughter from insisting that it’s just sleeping though. If it is then it’s a bloody deep sleep, because knocking its rigid body against the table doesn’t seem to wake it up.

The tears

F**k me, my daughter barely paid the hamster any attention while it was alive, but now it’s died she’s acting like it was her best friend. If she’s treated her human pals with the same nonchalant disregard then I don’t think anyone will be turning up to her birthday party next week. God how I wish that were the case.

The burial

I should have covertly dumped it in the pedal bin while I had the chance. Now I’ve got to bury it in the garden which was apparently its favourite place, even though it never ventured beyond its cage. It’s a lot of wasted effort seeing as my daughter will forget about its very existence in a week’s time. She’d better not make me wear black.

Binning all the paraphernalia

That furry dickhead sure had a lot of stuff for something so small. The cage, ball and sawdust won’t fit in the bin, and there’s no way I’m booking a slot at the tip just to get rid of this shit. I’ll wait until the washing machine needs to go. In the meantime I’ll stick it in the shed with all the other crap my daughter begged for and used precisely once.

‘Daddy, I want another one’

Oh for f**k sake, really? No way. I made the mistake of buying a hamster once and I’ve regretted it every second since. They can’t do tricks, they bite your fingers, and they’re always noisily gnawing away at the bars on their cage. A pet rock would be more desirable, so turn off the waterworks, sweetheart.

The trip to the f**king pet shop

Christ, here we go again. Why do I keep letting this happen? She’s made a barrage of empty promises about how she’ll look after this one, which admittedly worked last time so you can’t exactly blame her. I can’t even use the last hamster’s cage because that would be wrong for some reason, so there goes another 30 quid. Only two years to go until I have to repeat all these steps.

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Woman's world rocked by three minutes of missionary position, boyfriend confirms

A MAN has performed mind-blowing sex on his girlfriend by doing three minutes of missionary intercourse, he has confirmed.

Jack Browne is confident that the 180 seconds of unimaginative, pneumatic sex he shared with partner Emma Bradford will be mentally classified by her as the best lay she has ever had.

Browne said: “Emma’s one lucky lady. There aren’t many women out there who are fortunate enough to have such generous and deft lovers as me.

“After seducing her by whispering ‘Fancy a shag?’ we got straight down to business. I hopped on top and clumsily thrust my hips up and down for three minutes in awkward silence, while Emma lay there practically motionless with ecstasy.

“Once I was done I rolled off and fell straight asleep. Meanwhile Emma probably took that time to recover and message her girlfriends about the earth-shattering orgasm I assume she experienced.

“Some people say you need to do different poses and use toys to have a good sex life but they’re wrong. Missionary is considered a classic for a reason, and if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.”

Bradford said: “I’ve had bumpy bike rides which were more sexually satisfying than that. Plus they didn’t snore or leave me to sleep in the wet patch.”