THE whole point of having kids is to exorcise the ghosts of your own childhood failings through them. Here’s how to force them to take up sports they’ll grow to loathe as much as you did.
Football
You harboured dreams of being the next Gazza, but you were crap at football and had the piss ripped out of you as a result. Make your child detest the beautiful game by bullying them into trying out for the school team, and then spending every Saturday morning on the touchline yelling like Roy Keane, even when it’s just a practice match.
Swimming
How impressed and jealous would your friends be if your child turned out to be an Olympic medallist like Tom Daley or Rebecca Adlington? Even if your kid is petrified of water, insist on throwing them in at the deep end – literally – to force them to learn to swim. The crippling embarrassment of being rescued by the lifeguard will probably put them off, so persistence is key, even if they won’t stop crying.
Rugby
If you own a detached house and an outdoor pizza oven, you’ll probably consider having a professional footballer for a child as a bit naff,. Instead, push your small, bookish child into the physical terror of rugby, despite their protestations that they don’t want to be trampled into frozen mud by bigger kids twice a week. You’ll thank me when I’m older, you say, putting an ice pack on their black eye, while they silently plan which home they’ll put you in as soon as they have the chance.
Tennis
You’ve long identified with Judy Murray’s fierce determination to make her child an international success. The only unfortunate difference is that her kid had some innate natural talent on the tennis court whereas yours has all the grace of Mr Blobby after seven pints. Still, that won’t stop you trying to force her into being the next Emma Raducanu, even after she sets fire to her tennis racquet and then buries it in the garden.
Athletics
There are many different disciplines within athletics, so surely your child must be good at one of them, even though he’s currently showing more interest in coding. Appointing yourself as his personal coach will save tons of cash on classes and ensure you can make him train every evening and at the weekend, which will also save him from the distraction of having friends and a life. After several months, he’ll still be shit at the javelin, and he’ll hate you too.
