Why £5,300 energy bills are not a bad thing, by Liz Truss

DOOMMONGERS will say £5,300 energy bills could drive millions into poverty. Let me, Liz Truss, explain why they are not a bad thing.

They’ll help you budget

The cost of living crisis is putting pressure on everyone’s purse strings. But with a whopping great energy bill to fork out for on a regular basis you’ll have a fresh incentive to budget accordingly. Try cutting back on luxuries like food and shelter to save some extra pennies that won’t touch the sides of the amount you owe.

They’re good for the environment

An energy bill of £5,300 will discourage you from watching the telly, switching on the kettle or taking a shower more than once a month. This will drastically lower your carbon footprint to a level even Greta Thunberg would be proud of. Of course this will be offset by the coal mines that will be reopened to prevent blackouts, but never mind. I’ll still claim it as a win for me.

Taxing energy companies is evil

As I’ve recently made clear, profits are not evil. So what if a business reaps a massive bonus while its customers will shiver to death this winter? That’s the free market and you all voted for the party which supports it so you can’t complain. Raising the taxes energy companies have to pay definitely is immoral, though. Plus it would make our next donor party a bit awkward.

They’ll take care of the surplus population

As people on the White Cliffs of Dover scream to migrants trying to cross the Channel: Britain’s full. Driving people into fuel poverty will free up some space by thinning out the surplus population, which has been a key Tory policy ever since we swept into power. Remember austerity and our ineffectual pandemic response?

Levelling up

Look, I know these skyrocketing energy bills are unsustainable, but I’m in an election race so I can’t afford to lose face. That’s why I’ll use the catch-all bullshit terms Johnson used to ascend to power. The number on your statement has been levelled up to a much bigger one, which is a good thing because economic growth Brexit woke mob sunlit uplands.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

My Edinburgh diary, by Jerry Sadowitz

LOOKS like my Edinburgh Fringe show’s been cancelled after one gig. But that means I’ve got time to share my Edinburgh memories and recommendations for visitors.

The Pleasance

A familiar venue, although this year was my shortest run, ie. one gig. Something to do with exposing myself and a racial term, apparently. Compared to middle class student twats doing a hip-hop version of Look Back in Anger, looking at my wrinkly cock is grade-A entertainment, frankly.

Funny Har Har!

A venue now sadly closed. I had a wonderful run there in 1987 with a show that featured 105 minutes of furious abuse of Princess Di, Norman Tebbit and Jimmy Savile and five minutes of card tricks. Contained the classic joke ‘Savile’s an evil bastard kiddy fiddler who needs locking up’. Okay, maybe not that hilarious with hindsight, but still funnier than Michael McIntyre.

The sights of Scotland

When you’re not performing there’s loads to visit, even for a Scot like me. There’s Edinburgh Castle, The Royal Mile, and the Harry Potter magical guided walking tour. I regret going on that, because I discovered too late I’m not into snotty little f**king public school bastards loved by f**king tragic child-adults who can’t cope with f**king reality.

The Stand

Another renowned venue, and the unfortunate scene of me getting punched onstage in 2014. All I’d done was use the entirely inoffensive line: ‘The entire Scotch nation are inbred Buckfast-swigging scum who shag their mums but really want to be bummed by George Osborne.’

Morningside Soft Play Centre

How was I to know a children’s play centre would not be an appropriate venue for my 1991 magic show, ‘Paul Daniels is a F**king Midget Cocksucker’? The five-year-olds loved the magic and learned lots of new words. Just goes to show, parents don’t always know what’s best for their kids.

The Gilded Balloon

Legendary stand-up venue, with appearances by Peter Kay, Dylan Moran and Johnny Vegas, to name but a few. Sadly I was asked to find a different venue for my own show after explaining I would be removing a large Margaret Thatcher doll from my dilated anus, while encouraging the audience to chant, ‘Maggie Maggie Maggie, out out out!’