Are you stupid enough to be nostalgic for Boris Johnson?

MANY Tory grassroots members wish lazy, incompetent liar Boris Johnson could continue as PM. Do you share their inexplicable nostalgia? Take our test and find out if you are very stupid.

What do you think of Boris Johnson as a person?

A) All the evidence suggests he’s an egotist who uses other people, and has very little respect for women.

B) He’s a lovely, dependable family man with a pretty young wife. He was going to build a treehouse for Wilf, and not many dads can say they’ve done that. Admittedly someone else would have paid for it and done the work, but he’s very busy.

Do you feel Johnson is preferable to Liz Truss or Rishi Sunak?

A) No way. They’re all bad, but at least Sunak seems vaguely sane.

B) That pair aren’t fit to lick Boris’s shoes. She’s like a brainless rag doll come to life and he’s too smooth for his own good. And Asian. Yes, Boris is the sort of fiercely intellectual but extremely down-to-earth PM we need.

How do you feel Johnson performed during the pandemic?

A) Poorly. The vaccines would have been rolled out anyway, he was reckless about lockdown, and didn’t attend meetings.

B) Boris singlehandedly invented the vaccine – he was there in a laboratory with a lab coat, I saw it – and he showed the snowflakes who’s boss by ending lockdown early. He’s a national hero, like Geoff Hurst or Bomber Harris.

Which of his policies appeal most?

A) He hasn’t got policies. Just dressing up and doing whatever short-term thing is popular, and he spent months not governing at all and just doing damage limitation over Partygate.

B) Of course he’s got highly-detailed policies, like ‘Get Brexit Done’. Or as I interpret it, ‘Kick out the bloody Poles then we can get started on the blacks, Muslims and Jews’. Best policy ever.

Do you find Boris attractive?

A) Good god no. He’s an overweight oaf with a repulsive, arrogant manner.

B) Yes, definitely. He’s clearly in peak physical condition with all that jogging he does, and he’s got that wonderful thick head of blond hair. It’s all mussed-up in a rebellious, roguish way. He’s like a cross between James Dean and Han Solo. Why are you being sick?

Mostly As. You have got the measure of Boris Johnson. Sadly your opinion made not a jot of difference when all the dense Brexit twats voted en masse.

Mostly Bs. You are f**king insane. It’s hard to believe there are human beings so out of touch with reality, but that’s the Tory grassroots for you. You probably think we should send the task force to recapture India and could do with more politicians like Nadine Dorries.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Are you the mighty ruler of your household's TV remote? Take our quiz

DO you rule the viewing habits of your household with an iron fist? Find out with this quiz.

Do you frequently change channel without warning?

A) No. I seek collective agreement before switching over. And we take it in turns to pick box sets to stream.

B) Yes. Even if everyone else was enjoying what was on. I wasn’t and that’s all that matters.

Do you replay scenes multiple times for your own amusement?

A) If somebody asks to see something again I’ll usually oblige. But I wouldn’t want to spoil everyone’s viewing pleasure by randomly rewinding without warning.

B) You don’t? It’s rare for me to get through an entire programme without rewinding it to point out continuity errors. I pay my licence fee, I can do what I like.

Are you a fan of pausing TV to look up trivia?

A) Somebody might look information up during an ad break. We don’t pause though, that upsets your concentration.

B) As if I’m going to wait a couple of hours to find out which other films Ryan Gosling has been in. That valuable information needs to be researched immediately.

Are you constantly tweaking the TV’s sound and colour?

A) We find the default settings to be perfectly acceptable.

B) Of course. Some programmes filmed in SD look washed-out and need extra colour saturation. Although I can never learn how to switch it back to normal.

Do you take the remote to the loo?

A) No. That would be extremely unhygienic. And stupid if you can’t see the TV anyway.

B) Yes, I of course I can’t see the TV in the upstairs bathroom but I refuse to relinquish my power.


Mostly As: You are a fair and just ruler of your household’s TV remote. In other words you have no influence over it and are a mere passenger of other people’s viewing habits. Grow a pair and be more petty and controlling.

Mostly Bs: You are the tyrannical despot of the remote control. Look out for coups and separatist movements who would try to remove you from power. When you’re at the top, the only way is down.