Five unpleasant foods pathetic social climbers eat to look 'posh'

DESPERATE to go up a social class or two? Choke down this disgusting food to fit in with all the other ‘posh’ people.


If God had intended you to eat raw fish, He would have made you a seal. Rice wrapped in seaweed tastes as unappetising as it sounds, but posh people love it so you’re going to have to hold your nose and take a bite. There’s a higher risk of getting worms too, but you’s prefer that to being stuck in the lower echelons of society with the scum.

Rocky Mountain oysters

Not the usual ball of snot from the bottom of the sea. This is in fact a cleverly-worded way of saying ‘sheep’s bollocks’. Quite why the rich would consider a food usually found in a Bushtucker Trial to be a swanky delicacy is a mystery. Then again, they like to go fox hunting and wear stupid hats to Ascot, so logic is clearly not their strong point.

Foie gras

A speciality among rich twats, this French dish also has an abstract name for a good reason. If it were given a literal English translation it would instead be called: force-fed liver of a suicidal duck or goose with a f**king funnel down its throat. Ironically, you’d have to be force-fed this meal after learning its real origins. It will definitely impress at the golf club though.


Normal people wouldn’t dream of eating fish roe instead of something more appealing like a sausage roll from Greggs. But if you want to climb the class ladder then you’re going to have to develop an appetite for this expensive, salty sludge. No wonder the sturgeon it comes from is now incredibly rare, high society knobheads keep eating its eggs.


Or, as regular people would call it, a cheese and meat board. It’s essentially a selection of all the nibbles you would graze on over Boxing Day while slumped in front of the telly, only with a pretentious French name so the wealthy don’t feel like plebs. Why bother trying to be posh though when charcuterie boards don’t include Billy Bear ham?

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Baldness and other physical traits which make you invisible to the opposite sex

WONDERING why you are not turning the heads of the opposite sex? You’re probably afflicted with these physical traits.


Women say they find bald men attractive. And they probably do find The Rock and Pep Guardiola attractive. You are not The Rock or Pep Guardiola though. You are a bloke with a thinning bonce who does not have a winning personality to make up for it. Your bloodline is about to die out, and all because of your stupid follicles.

Wonky teeth

If you keep your mouth shut you might get some passing interest from the opposite sex. Once you open it to start talking though, it’s game over. Your crooked gnashers will visibly repulse them and send them running for the hills. Why don’t you have a perfect row of dazzling white teeth which would look weird enough in itself?

Being chubby

Nobody thinks of themselves as a fat shamer, but it’s there, lurking beneath the surface. Thanks to a world where some people work out all the time, normal people carrying a couple of extra pounds are paying the price for looking chubby in comparison. Even having a nice car or a sense of humour won’t be enough to compensate for your excess flab. You’re doomed.

Big ears

A big nose can be characterful, and big chins can look distinguished. Big ears though will condemn you to a lonely, sexless life. It’s no good being handsome in profile. That’ll only get you so far. Eventually you’ll have to turn your head and reveal the pair of FA Cup handles you were born with. Women can cover theirs with hair, but men will see through that shit eventually.


If dating apps have proven one thing, it’s that people have a massive hang-up about height. Men, if you’re below six foot, you might as well give up now. The ladies do not want to tower over you when wearing heels. Women, if you’re taller than five foot five, no man will ever find your looming frame attractive. The sooner everyone is standardised like an EU banana, the better.