Unbelievably oblivious prick super-excited about World Cup

A MAN with his head up his arse who thinks politics is something that only happens to other people cannot wait for the Qatar World Cup to begin. 

Tom Logan has already put up his wallchart, laid a series of bets and hung his St George flag out of the window in readiness for the uncontroversial, apolitical tournament.

Logan said: “There’ve been some terrible things going on here – immigrants taking over hotels, protesters glueing cars to the M25 or something. It’ll be great to forget all that and just watch the footie.

“And what better place to do that than the sun-kissed, easygoing regime of Qatar? I went on holiday to Dubai and if Qatar’s half as good as that then travelling fans are in for a treat. 

“Okay, you can’t be gay or trans, but it’s only for a month. Think about the sacrifices our boys are making to get in peak physical condition. Why not just give the lipstick a miss for a few weeks out of respect for our hosts?

“It might help you kick the habit altogether. Just saying.”

Logan is looking forward to taking in group games in new World Cup stadia where 67 migrant workers earning a pittance have died. 

He said: “Accidents will happen. The best tribute to those workers would be having a great time over a few beers watching games in the stadia that killed them. It’s what they’d have wanted.”

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Five ways to remember what you came upstairs for

DONE it again? Got to the top of the stairs and realised you don’t know why you’re there? Here are five ways to avoid feeling like a dotty old gran.

Ask your partner

Explain to your partner why you’re going upstairs, then when you arrive and inevitably forget, simply shout and ask. Slightly embarrassing if your plan was stink out the loo. There’s also a risk they’ll think you’ve turned into an old codger. If they start serving you a bowl of mushed-up banana when the rest of the family is having fried chicken, look for another aide-memoire.

Use a paper plane

Learn to fold an airworthy paper plane that doesn’t immediately nosedive. Write your reason for leaving the ground floor on it and throw the plane upstairs. The message must be visible when the paper is folded, or when found at the top of the stairs you’ll have no idea what it’s for, like in the film Memento. But less exciting.

Adapt a song

Pick a song you know well and adapt the lyrics to your needs. For example, Stairway To Heaven by Led Zeppelin: ‘And I’m climbing the stairway to those AA batteries.’ Just don’t forget why you’re doing it and revert to the original lyrics. Also it may ruin your favourite songs, eg. ‘I know a girl from a lonely street / She’s getting warm socks to put on her feet’.

Train a dog

Blind people have guide dogs, you have a ‘memory dog’. You can probably train a dog to bark at your phone you left suicidally perched on the cistern, but more complicated reminders could be tricky. A dog will willingly retrieve a thrown stick hundreds of times, the idiot, but it won’t be able to say, ‘You were getting the ancient fairy lights in a shoe box on top of the wardrobe. They’re a f**king fire hazard, buy some new ones you tight bastard.’

Move everything downstairs

Save effort by moving everything downstairs, leaving basic biological needs the only thing you climb the stairs for. The living room will look like a hoarder’s junk collection, but your spouse moving out will free up some space. Alternatively, move into a bungalow. You might like it after you’ve stopped freaking out because you can’t remember where the stairs are.