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WAGS alone and horny in Miami, Britain notified

THE UK’s lotharios have been notified that the England squad’s wives and girlfriends are hot and undefended 1,250 miles from the team’s base. 

While the team train in Kansas in preparation for their first match in Dallas tomorrow, their partners languish without male attention in a city known for its beaches, nightlife and opportunities for seduction.

Straight player Julian Cook said: “My, my. Is that Saka’s attractive fiancée Tolami Benson left unattended? And in a bikini, too. Well I feel I should step in.

“It is only natural, I plan to explain, that such beautiful ladies should feel neglected when their menfolk prefer each other’s company. I shall offer my services as chaperone around Miami. And the Keys, should we hire a yacht.

“I mean no trouble. Ashlyn Castro deserves to know that kicking a ball around is more important to Jude Bellingham than being with her in this, the 28th summer of her flowering womanhood. Any conclusions she draws from that, and my suave presence, are her own.”

Oliver O’Connor, who wears his silk shirts unbuttoned to the navel, said: “My flight is booked. As are, coincidentally, the flights of those WAGs yet to join their husbands who have been left alone with the children. I wonder if we shall be seated together?

“I do hope the boys score in Dallas, in Boston and in New Jersey. I’d like to see them go all the way. That would dovetail with certain plans of my own.”

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Cat Deeley, Amanda Holden and other celebrities your mum inexplicably despises

SHE doesn’t know why she hates them, but she does. These celebrities are subject to decades-long maternal vendettas beyond any understanding: 

Anneka Rice

Had a career in the 80s by being dropped from helicopters, described as ‘being a professional show-off’. Wore an unnecessary jumpsuit over her ‘big arse’ even though ‘everyone’s got one of those, love’. Is still coasting on its fame 40 years later, and your mother now holds her in contempt for that as well.

Cat Deeley

Your mum doesn’t know why Deeley and Patrick Kielty split, but she’s firmly on his side. ‘God know what he saw in that conniving cow,’ she says, a judgement seemingly based on a single 2002 TV appearance where she ‘seemed a bit too cheerful’, interpreted as evidence of deeper moral ambiguity. She will, apparently, get her comeuppance.

Amanda Holden

Cheated on poor Les Dennis, who was ever so lovely on Family Fortunes, and is thus beyond redemption. Nobody had heard of her before ‘she got her claws into Les’. Cosmetic treatments are noted with quiet fury, as is her right to sit in judgment on others on Britain’s Got Talent because she has none, ‘other than gold-digging.’

Tess Daley

A bit harder to hate now she and Vernon have split and she’s unemployed, but your mum remains committed. Will frequently and unprompted bring up grievances such as ‘I never liked the way she stood there with that fixed smile while they were waiting for scores,’ and, despite there being no direct evidence for this, ‘fancying herself rotten.’

Judith Chalmers

Dead now, but that doesn’t grant forgiveness. That ‘mahogany cow’, as Chalmers is still referred to with surprising consistency, was allowed to go on ‘all those bloody holidays’ while the rest of the country was left with only Butlin’s Skegness. It is authoritatively claimed that she got so fat ‘they had to film her standing behind rocks’.

Anthea Turner

Admittedly hasn’t been on telly forever, which your Mum attributes to her letter-writing campaign, but remains unforgiven for going with Grant Bovey and eating a Flake on her wedding day. Most have forgotten. Not your mother, who mutters that ‘a woman who’ll do that in a wedding dress would sell her own grandmother’.

Nigella Lawson

‘She’s not even a trained chef’ she bellows as Nigella pouts, all twinkly lights and pancetta. ‘Why is she in her dressing gown in front of a camera? And you know that’s not really her house.’ Her use of luxury ingredients causes particular offence. ‘Your dad loves her,’ it has been claimed for 30 years, in the face of his total lack of interest.

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