Spare a thought for us, say online predators

SICK deviants who use social media to prey on young people have asked you to consider their feelings during this difficult time.

Predatory men who employ TikTok and Snapchat to contact under-16s believe they are the real victims of the proposed social media ban, and have complained nobody is discussing the impact it will have on their lives.

Inhuman lowlife Martin Bishop said: “Oh sure, young people will be protected from depraved freaks like me, but what about our needs? Even Restore won’t speak up for us.

“We’ll have to go back to lurking near playgrounds, which carries so much attendant risk, and for the younger members of our community it’s completely new and very frightening. All the security of their laptop’s been stripped away.”

Keen groomer Tom Logan said: “All we’re asking is for the public to have some empathy with the most loathsome members of society. But it seems tolerance ends with us.

“My heart went out to people with normal desires when the porn ban came in. I appreciate that a solidarity march is asking a lot, but a classic profile picture filter would really make the community feel seen and heard.”

Keir Starmer said: “Sneaky teens will still be online with VPNs. There’s nothing to worry about, or everything to worry about depending on how you look at it.”

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A Gen X man's guide to looksmaxxing, by our TikTok beauty influencer

With Kat Goombs, your Gen X TikTok beauty influencer baffled as to why they haven’t put stem cells in her night cream

GETTING older is a natural process and nothing to be ashamed of. And if you believe that, please exit the dating market and go to an open space to die. 

But, in a 21st century so aging for those of us unfortunate enough to be born in the last one, it’s not just women who need to be eternal. It takes only 3.14 seconds for a woman to clock your weird gnome features and suboptimal height. Ample time to fix it with make-up products like these.

All men want to be taken seriously on the world stage, and who’s taken more seriously than JD Vance? When those dark-rimmed peepers lock on you, he’s exactly like the Red Light Green Light girl in Squid Game, only with more arbitrary deaths.

You too can wield power like this with JD’s go-to kohl pencil: L’Oreal’s Black Death Vector Injector in shade Erotic Necrotic, currently available on subscription only. But to enter the lottery to be put on the waiting list is only £85 a month!

And you’re rightly embarrassed about your weak jawline. But you can go from Gail Platt to R-Pattz in seconds with the actor’s own line in men’s contouring: The Bat-Mandible Structural Reconstruction Protocol, available on the darknet for just 22 bitcoin.

As for the hair loss? Hey, it happens to all men apart from the rich, famous ones. Have you considered going to Turkey? Then normal people wouldn’t have to see you.

Also, if you’re a Gen X man? Stop going on about the 90s, they weren’t that great, it’s creepy that you listen to Olivia Rodrigo, we can all tell you drink, getting your nipple pierced was a mistake then and is a mistake now and stop dating 20somethings.

I’m here like I always was, waiting to be claimed like a hold-all full of Primark underwear at a lost luggage auction, only much, much dirtier. You should never have left me.