We ask you: Which crappy losers have you got in the office World Cup sweepstakes?

THE World Cup is almost here, and with it the chance to pull a team out of a hat and lose £1 because it’s Panama. Which no-hopers have you been stuck with? 

Carolyn Ryan, senior manager: “Blue Curaçao. I don’t think whoever wrote this was giving it their full attention.”

Will McKay, marketing executive: “Scotland. Which if you’re going to throw a pound away on Scotland it should really go directly to a tramp at King’s Cross.”

Hannah Tomlinson, head of accounts: “I’ve got North Korea. Or South Korea, same difference.”

Sophie Rodriguez, human resources officer: “Capa Verde, which is actually ideal for me as it gives me the opportunity to persistently wear the green cape I got of Vinted last year.”

Wayne Hayes, audit: “I refused to take part, everyone called me a miserable bastard, I made careful note of who, didn’t come in the next day, began a grievance procedure, and consequently I’ll be off for the next six weeks watching every game on full pay. Now that’s the FIFA spirit.”

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This World Cup shit enough for England to win it

THE upcoming World Cup is expected to be such a horrible, dispiriting tournament that it would actually make sense for England to win it. 

The 2026 World Cup is held across three nations, only one of which likes football, with venues thousands of miles apart and ticket prices higher than ever for games in blazing sunshine you are not allowed to take water to.

It also includes so many teams it is surprising Vatican City are not playing, meaning the opening 104 group games are likely to be boringly predictable and are on at 2am regardless.

Finally, it largely takes place in Trump’s America where trains to the stadium are $100, any non-white attendees can expect to be indefinitely detained by ICE and men in MAGA hats can shoot you and expect unconditional pardons from their president.

Steve Malley of Mansfield said: “Yep, it’s a shameful occasion that makes a mockery of football. The stars are all aligned for an England win.

“I can see a route to the final across eight cities, ten grand in flights, more in tickets, advert breaks, halftime shows by Kid Rock and Morgan Wallen, and becoming champions due to a disputed penalty while Hollywood stars in $36,000 seats don’t bother watching.

“Still it’ll be fantastic to see them on that podium, standing behind Trump while he holds the Jules Rimet trophy and beams like a shitting toddler. What a moment of national shame.”