Where's our replica Mary Earps Sports Personality of the Year trophy, Nike asked

THE public has furiously asked Nike why they cannot purchase a replica Mary Earps BBC Sports Personality of the Year trophy, it has emerged.

Fans of the Lioness goalkeeper have once again been disappointed by Nike as the sportswear company has failed to produce a replica 2023 trophy with her name on it.

Nikki Hollis from Belper said: “First they didn’t make her shirt and now this. What did Mary Earps ever do to hurt you, Nike?

“I wouldn’t expect them to sell an exact match made out of wood and metal with little engraved shields. That would be well pricey. But even a rushed job made out of tin foil and cereal box card would be better than nothing.

“How are little girls supposed to emulate their hero now? By yelling at their friends pretending to be the Spanish team to f**k off? While that would be accurate and more affordable, it’s just not the same.”

A Nike spokesperson said: “Our bad. Bear with us as we crank out a limited run that will be impossible to find and cost you a ludicrous amount on eBay. Happy now?”

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'My balls were about to rupture': The Guardian’s censored 'How we met' columns

‘HOW we met’ remains a popular feature in the Guardian’s Lifestyle section, but some of the real-life stories were deemed too disturbing for readers. Here is a sample.

‘He’d got a really good wok set’

‘Elaine’ told the Guardian: I’d always dreamed of owning a wok set, so when Gerald told me he’d got one with three spatulas and a bamboo vegetable steamer I sucked him off immediately. I suppose I could just buy a decent wok for 25 quid and not be forced to have sex with someone I actively dislike, but it seems like a lot of hassle.

‘My balls were about to rupture’

‘Graham’ said: I was having a serious sexual drought, over a decade, and I desperately needed a shag with anyone or anything. Let’s just say the exhaust pipe on my Honda Jazz was starting to look incredibly sexy. That’s when I met Clare, who I find by turns annoying, boring and unattractive. We’ve been together 11 years now. Oh how I regret not just visiting a prostitute.

‘She threatened to leave me to die’

‘Josh’ said: I was backpacking in Phuket in 1992 when I fell into an isolated ravine, breaking both my legs. By some miracle I saw Susan’s face peering over the edge and she said: ‘You’re not bad-looking, promise to marry me or I’ll leave you to die from dehydration and the jungle rats will eat your corpse.’ A promise is a promise and now we’ve got three grandchildren.

‘He mistook me for a woman but I decided to roll with it’

‘Stuart’ said: I got talking to Roger at a gig when I used to have long hair, and it became clear he thought I was a woman. He’s not very observant because I’m six foot four with massive hands. Anyway, long story short, I hadn’t been having much luck with the ladies recently so I thought why not just go along with it? The sex is pretty unpleasant and it’s hard explaining why I haven’t got a vagina, but it’s someone to go to B&Q with.

‘I am just so gullible and I thought he was James Bond’

‘Natasha’ said: I got talking to this guy in Spoons and I asked his name and he said, ‘The name’s Bond, James Bond.’ And I thought, wow, he’s the actual 007 so I had sex with him by the bins. It wasn’t until Skyfall that I realised James Bond was made up, because I recognised Javier Bardem from Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge. Obviously we split up, but I should have seen the warning signs, like his car not having an ejector seat.

‘We’re both incredibly racist’

‘Luciana’ said: Black people, Asians, Jews – I hate them all, and so does Simon. We met while I was shouting racial abuse at Eastern Europeans on a bus and we clicked instantly. We keep the romantic spark alive by finding new genetic subgroups to despise, so this year we’re going on holiday to Mongolia to have a good laugh at those twats.

‘I saw him in a dream but it might have been Norman Cook’

‘Cassie’ said: I’m a strong believer in the dream realm, so when I met Alan inside a massive brass snake I knew he was the one. Admittedly he kept turning into different people and one of them was the DJ Norman Cook, but when I saw him outside the chemist’s just four years later I recognised him instantly. We were clearly fated to be together because we’ve got so much in common, apart from dogging, taxidermy and rock-climbing.