Why I've got more bottle than Simone Biles, by a gammon

By Roy Hobbs

ALL this talk about ‘mental health’ you get today. ‘Ooh, Mr Site Manager, can I take the day off, I’ve got to look after my mental health instead of doing my job.’ What a load of bollocks.

In my day we didn’t have mental health. We had bottle. And if you didn’t have it, like what this Biles girl didn’t, you got the piss taken. Which is only right.

If you bottled it and let down the lads, you got called a poof and had lager poured over your head. That taught you to not bottle it again.

I mean, take this Biles girl. What’s she famous for? Doing cartwheels and fannying around. The stuff most of us grew out of when we were about five years old, know what I mean?

So alright, she’s mugged a load of idiots into giving her money to prance around on a carpet while someone like me, a real hero, has to get up at seven in the morning to drive a van.

And then it’s ‘Ooh, I took a mis-step and I’ve got powder all over my hand, it’s all about racism or something, can I put my tracksuit top back on?’

I tell you what, if that had been me there, I wouldn’t have cried racism or mental health. I’d have taken a run-up and punched that vaulting horse right in the f**king mouth. You want some? I’ll give you some.

That’s real bottle. That’s not waiting till 1941 to join the war. You listening, Biles?

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Five hideous alcoholic concoctions you drank to get wankered in the 90s

FROM Special Brew to snakebite, you drank some truly awful shit just to get drunk as fast as possible in the 90s. Here are the dated drinks that will make you heave now.

Carlsberg Special Brew

Cloyingly sweet and sickly, but by God it did the job, unsurprising as it was nearly 10 per cent proof. Actually brewed as a gift to Winston Churchill from the Danes, but more associated with pissing yourself on a park bench than WW2 these days.


Well, why not not mix cheap lager and cider in a pint glass? Blackcurrant cordial also made it a spooky-looking drink popular with goths. Best combined with a late-night kebab dripping in grease and hot chilli sauce to ensure spending the following day camped on the toilet with a hefty dose of the green apple splatters.

Tequila slammers

Tasted like shit but got you bladdered at the speed of light. Invariably accompanied with the equally disgusting combination of salt and a sliver of lime to suck, purely to avert the danger of actually tasting the tequila – which is not surprising given it’s made from bloody cactuses.

Scrumpy Jack

This gut-destroying, cloudy slop enjoyed brief commercial popularity before only being consumed by scary local park drinkers. Regular consumption resulted in most of your teeth falling out and developing a sexual attraction to your cousin.

Your dad’s home brew

You’re a broke student and there’s no way you are going to pay expensive bar prices to get legless so why not kick your evening off by sneaking off to the shed and siphoning some of the old man’s still-fermenting amateur beer? Best swallowed quickly to avoid tasting it, but it did explain why you suddenly shat yourself three hours later in the taxi on the way to a nightclub.