Women's World Cup scheduled like Frasier repeats

THE Women’s World Cup that is set to bring women’s football a new wave of popularity is on at 8.30am on a Thursday, it has emerged.

The tournament, which hopes to capitalise on the surging popularity of women’s football and deliver millions of new fans, is being held on the other side of the world and broadcast on weekday mornings in something of a massive f**k-up.

Hannah Tomlinson of Croydon said: “I can’t wait to watch this World Cup. I’m all about the Lionesses. What do you mean, it’s started?

“This morning? Before actual This Morning? Hidden away in the schedules like repeats of Frasier from 2002 which, although quite good, are there to avoid broadcasting a blank screen? Who scheduled that and can I call it out for being sexist?

“When are England on? Half-ten Saturday? Well it’s better than Nigeria vs Canada at 3.30am, but I’m hardly going to be fired up for it. And apparently my girl Lucy Bronze isn’t even there? Are they trying to piss us off?

“Seems to me it’s a misogynist plot to drag women’s football down, but my boyfriend says it’s the time difference and the men’s one was in a desert in winter, which does sound vaguely familiar.

“Nonetheless, it’s disrespectful to women’s football to treat it the same as Frasier and Niles’ latest act of pretension. I’ll be boycotting any match shown before 8am. 10am on weekends.”

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Teenager is strange blend of right-on snowflake and heartless monster

A TEENAGE boy is somehow both a bleeding-heart activist with compassion for everyone and a demon utterly devoid of empathy.

15-year-old Jack Browne constantly bangs on about social justice causes and criticises callous politicians, while also being a complete arsehole to everyone around him.

Browne explained: “The way the wealthy fat cats treat the poor, the downtrodden and the LGBT+ community is disgusting.

“Climate change is going to kill everyone in Africa, and us, but our rich, out-of-touch politicians don’t care about what anyone else is going through. What happened to kindness? And BLM?”

However Browne’s mum Donna feels he should focus his social conscience slightly more on the people around him.

She said: “He refuses to come with me to visit his nan in hospital because she’s ‘boring as shit’, and then I hear from his teacher that he recently went on hunger strike in solidarity with North Korean dissidents.

“I just wish he’d show some consistency. If he treated immigrants coming over on dinghies the way he treated his sister he’d be on trail in The Hague.

“Also despite his untiring fight against racism maybe there are a few minutes spare to clean the bath after he’s used it?”