How to fast-track your way to being a cycling knobhead

WITH sales of bikes and the ridiculous paraphernalia that comes with them at a record high, here’s how to become an absolute knob about your new cycling obsession:

Squeeze into some lycra

If you want cycling to seem like a serious passion rather than simply an excuse to spend time away from your family, you need to look the part. Be sure to choose shorts with built-in suspenders, like weird ergonomic overalls, for added twattishness.

Casually use the lingo

If you’re not using words like ‘chamois cream’ and ‘recessed cleats’ on a daily basis you’re no way near as big a knobhead as you could be. Try using, but not explaining, bike language in general conversation five times a day for a week. It’ll soon become as natural to you as cycling without underwear.

Ride clipless

Learning to ride clipless – which confusingly means the opposite of what it implies – is an absolute must. And nothing will make you look more of a bellend than forgetting you’re attached to the pedals and slowly toppling over when you come to a halt.

Shave your legs

Do you think Bradley Wiggins was being slowed down by body hair when he sailed over the finish line of the Tour de France? It’s your duty to be smooth as a baby too, so you’re at maximum aerodynamic efficiency when you cycle down the road to fetch the paper.

Invest in an electric bike

This way you can show off your capacity for endurance without actually being fit. Yes, you’ll spend a bit more money, but think how much more of a knobhead you could look when your battery runs out halfway up a steep hill.

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Women commit to rewilding 75 per cent of their leg hair

THE women of the UK have pledged to restore the natural ecosystem of their legs this winter.

Following months of devastating hair removal from the mid-thigh down, women have announced plans to undergo a full leg ‘rewilding’, in the hope of returning to a more sustainable way of life.

Lucy Parry, a member of a leg hair advocacy group, said: “Letting my leg hair grow freely without human intervention will keep me warmer, which will allow me to save energy and reduce household bills.

“I will also be releasing less carbon since I won’t be huffing and puffing while trying to balance as I shave round my ankles and toes in the shower.”

“We have to accept as a species that we have made some choices that are not sustainable, and the constant, tedious and eye-wateringly painful removal of leg hair is one of them.”

She added: “For this to work, all women have to make the commitment, or I’m going to look like a right old woolly mammoth on the beach next summer.”