Sunday, 1st November 2020

How to fast-track your way to being a cycling knobhead

WITH sales of bikes and the ridiculous paraphernalia that comes with them at a record high, here’s how to become an absolute knob about your new cycling obsession:

Squeeze into some lycra

If you want cycling to seem like a serious passion rather than simply an excuse to spend time away from your family, you need to look the part. Be sure to choose shorts with built-in suspenders, like weird ergonomic overalls, for added twattishness.

Casually use the lingo

If you’re not using words like ‘chamois cream’ and ‘recessed cleats’ on a daily basis you’re no way near as big a knobhead as you could be. Try using, but not explaining, bike language in general conversation five times a day for a week. It’ll soon become as natural to you as cycling without underwear.

Ride clipless

Learning to ride clipless – which confusingly means the opposite of what it implies – is an absolute must. And nothing will make you look more of a bellend than forgetting you’re attached to the pedals and slowly toppling over when you come to a halt.

Shave your legs

Do you think Bradley Wiggins was being slowed down by body hair when he sailed over the finish line of the Tour de France? It’s your duty to be smooth as a baby too, so you’re at maximum aerodynamic efficiency when you cycle down the road to fetch the paper.

Invest in an electric bike

This way you can show off your capacity for endurance without actually being fit. Yes, you’ll spend a bit more money, but think how much more of a knobhead you could look when your battery runs out halfway up a steep hill.