The pints cost £2.90 and other upsides to living in a shit town

LIVE in one of the worst places in the country and people regularly take the piss? Here are five reasons it’s good to live somewhere shit:

Pints cost £2.90

Big city-dwellers may have good transport links and access to world-class culture, but the trade-off is £9 pints purchased in wanky bars. You can have a decent night out in at a back street pub in Inverness for that, with change for the quiz machine to spare.

Houses are cheap

Wages may be lower outside of the big cities, but the upside is that houses are going for peanuts. For the price of a central London bedsit where your bed is next to the toilet as if you were in prison you could buy a f**k-off mansion in Grimsby.

Expectations are low

Growing up in Hampstead you’ve got to either become a playwright or a tech entrepreneur. But in a shit town, you can train to be a plumber or electrician without being looked down on by pretentious twats. And you’ll probably end up making more money than Tabitha who did a degree in arts management that she’ll never use.

You appreciate the simple things

If you’re from somewhere fancy like Bath you’ve got all the shops and restaurants you could want already. However, people living in a shit town don’t have much choice when it comes to retail therapy and eating out so a branch of Wilkinsons and a new Bella Italia will excite you for years.

Even the smallest trip is like an exotic holiday

When you live somewhere shit, anywhere you visit seems interesting and glamorous. But what’s even better is that after you’ve appreciated their twatty culture and spent a fortune on beer, you can go home and tell everyone what a bunch of pretentious bellends live in other places.

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Climate hero rejects plastic bag and bravely carries loose shopping to Range Rover

A HEROIC man has eschewed using a plastic bag during a trip to the supermarket and carried the loose items directly to the boot of his huge car.

Julian Cook valiantly rejected the offer of the planet-destroying sack and used his own hands to transport his selection of wines, cheeses and avocados flown in from Peru to his SUV.

Cook said: “I usually just buy four new bags for life every time but I felt inspired by COP 26 to make my own sacrifice to save the planet and took the daunting decision to go completely bagless.

“I won’t lie, it wasn’t easy. Particularly when I got the Range Rover and had to get the car keys out of my pocket with both hands full of shopping. Thank God I parked in a parent and child space so I didn’t have to walk very far.

“It felt really good to know I’d made a difference. In fact, I was still beaming fifteen minutes later when I pulled over to fill up with diesel.

“I’m booking my family of four flights to Antigua today and I’m so pleased I’ve already offset any climate damage that might do.”