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Trump to wake up, find out Israel has done what he expressly forbid them to do, be okay with it

THE world nervously awaits Donald Trump waking, being told Israel has unilaterally launched drones at Iran, yawning and moving on.

The president had earlier warned Israel against strikes and the US said it would not offer air support, signalling a major diplomatic breach between the countries were Trump not to back Israel whatever.

An aide said: “This isn’t like when Ukraine destroyed all those Russian bombers, which he felt was a major escalation and very unfair on Putin, who lost billions.

“With North Korea it’s a love-hate thing for Kim and him. China he respects their money. Iran’s the last of the world’s crazy assholes he doesn’t have a grudging respect for, though he did go through three Big Macs watching their military parade.

“And Israel does whatever it wants, obviously. That’s a cornerstone of US policy. You can’t get elected over here if you don’t pledge to allow Israel free rein in all matters. Goes without saying.”

At press time, Trump is expected to hold a press conference later today claiming it was his idea while simultaneously blaming all wars everywhere on Joe Biden.

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'Yeah, it'll be chill' says teenager about to work three 16-hour shifts at festival

A TEENAGER bragging that he is basically being paid to check out some cool bands is about to enter his own personal hell. 

Josh Hudson, aged 18, is looking forward to sets by Green Day and Bullet For My Valentine while working Download this weekend, unaware that while they perform he will be mopping up vomit and fighting off drunks with the mop.

He told friends: “I’ll probably do some light shifts behind the bar early in the day, so come by and I’ll hook you up with free drinks. Who’s going to check?

“Then in the evenings I’ll f**k it off and see the bands. Probably get to hang out and get high with them in the dressing room afterwards, because I’ll have an Access All Areas pass. I’ll see if I can get you guys in.

“Yeah, this is going to be a solidly chill event. Why you suckers paid for tickets I’ll never know. I’m making on this deal.”

Hudson will spend the next three days without access to phone or shower mopping vomit and urine, picking litter and being called a ‘pezzy prick’ by bikers, with only six-hour breaks to sleep and digest his meals of protein bars and Prime.

He will leave at 4am on Monday a broken man, new trainers caked in mud and excrement, haunted by what he can never forget about humanity at its worst and himself.

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