MONKEYS controlled much of eastern Asia last night after launching a series of swift and ruthless coups d’etat.
The rebellion began in China when three monkeys turned on their trainer and beat him with his own stick. Within hours monkeys across the continent were seizing control through a combination of airborne faeces and badly driven tanks.
Police stations in Indonesia and southern Thailand were last night in monkey hands, while a troop of Sri Lankan spider monkeys has taken over the state broadcaster and another controls the country’s railway network.
The rebellion is being directed by a highly intelligent two-year old Indian macaque, already dubbed ‘Chico the monkey Hitler’.
In Singapore a local police chief returned to work after lunch to find eight monkeys jumping all over his desk. He tried to coax them by making friendly noises and offering them peanuts. Two hours later he appeared cowering in a window with a gun to his head.
Monkey expert Dr Tom Logan, said: “Monkeys are sociable creatures who spend their days playing, foraging for berries, and grooming each other. But don’t fuck with them because they will shoot you.”
At the United Nations in New York, monkey countries appealed desperately to non-monkey countries for help.
Indian ambassador Rajeev Chandra held up a large photo of a police car covered in monkeys, adding: “They tried driving it but one of them set off the siren and they all scattered, before slowly coming back and trying again.
“Eventually they are going to get the hang of it.”